5. Gonzalo Jara
Ugh, this guy. It's becoming clear that the popularity of soccer isn't just about rooting for your team with the unbridled rage of a face-painted berzerker. It's also about watching the other team suffer. That suffering will often fall onto the shoulders of a single, spiritually destroyed player who failed to make (or defend) a game-losing goal. As of Saturday afternoon, that player was Gonzalo Jara, who held Chile's hopes in the toes of his foot when he kicked the fifth of five penalty kicks against Brazil, who was leading 3-2 at the time. Jara's kick hit the post, his country was eliminated, and his soul was turned to a dark stew of bile and sadness as he knew he would spend the rest of his life remembering the moment the ball left his foot, carrying him with it on its journey to despair. PS: GET READY TO CHEER FOR AMERICA TOMORROW GUYS!
4. This kid who flipped his car during his very first driving lesson.
An unnamed driving student from Waltham, Massachusetts managed to drive a car up a tree and roll it onto its roof. That's usually a third semester level stunt at stunt driving school, but this student did it on the first lesson! For regular driving! Despite how it looks, law enforcement reported minimal injuries. Don't be discouraged, young driver, but next time remember not to confuse the brake pedal with a tree.
3. Kylie Jenner for forgetting that people expect the highest standards of honesty and transparency from their professionally famous randos.
If you saw people rushing out into the streets and setting stuff on fire today, it's because word spread that Kylie Jenner dared to maybe slightly photoshop a photo of a bikini pic that she posted on Instagram. The image above shows the photoshopped pic on the left (because it's blurry I guess?), which she posted but quickly deleted before posting the original, untouched image (right). Commenters stormed Twitter and Instagram to chastise her for the deception, and Jenner quickly learned that being famous solely for being visually appealing while sharing blood with a reality show star does not excuse you from posting to Instagram with unassailable journalistic integrity. She should be posting a pic of herself in her public apology bikini very soon.
2. Emma Watson for letting those border-hopping Americans go over to England and take their jobs.
Emma Watson is getting some heat from U.K. Immigration for allowing her American housekeeper to come with her to England and continue working, even though she was only traveling with a tourist visa. Watson could face up to $17,000 in fines, while her housekeeper faces a barrage of mail from undocumented American workers asking, "How's it feel?"
1. Craft store employees who know that this world is hurtling toward oblivion and bringing new life into it is a cruel, selfish deed.
The Supreme Court ruled today that Hobby Lobby can refuse to provide health coverage for their employees' contraception, claiming that it's an infringement on a corporation's religious freedom to prevent it from imposing that corporation's religious beliefs on its employees. Also, corporations can believe in God now, apparently. Hobby Lobby employees are probably kind of bummed today, as anyone would be to find out that their family planning decisions are being made by a store that's made its fortune by preying on this country's scrapbooking epidemic.