5. Anyone who likes being hot for James Franco but cannot get turned on by surfer dudes.

You loved him for his good looks combined with his artistic impulses and unpredictability. Also he seemed pretty open sexually, and did you already mention his good looks? You did not love him because he looked like one of the douchier extras from Blue Crush. How much are you supposed to take from this guy? He can do soap operas and naked Seth Rogen paintings and sweaty bathroom selfies, but the surfer look? That's just one step too far. Luckily, he'll probably look completely different tomorrow when he shows up in some billboard ad for a local dentist or whatever his next goofball project will be.


4. This guy who got stabbed in the head by a sky knife.

57-year-old Yunzhi Xiao was taking a stroll through his hometown of Guangyuan in China when he was attacked by a sky knife. Xiao said he felt a "very heavy weight" on his head, and continued walking in pain until a street vendor yelled at him, "There is a knife in your head!” Apparently, the knife had flown down 8 stories from a a balcony garden. Some people got him to a hospital where the knife was removed hours later. 


3. Everyone who wanted that to be Idris Elba's dick.

Friday, in an article entitled "No, that is not Idris Elba's dick", we guessed that that photo of Idris Elba's dick was not a photo of Idris Elba's dick. Today, sadly, Elba confirmed our suspiscion on his twitter account

So the giant dong we saw was just the impression from a mic wire. You gotta congratulate him on the wonderful imagery of his hashtag #spaceship #keepitup

Just because Idris Elba's dick is not his dick, it doesnt mean he wouldn't be willing to go along with the idea for the benefit of Calvin Klein and everyone who really wanted that to be his dick


2. The guy who was arrested while competing against cops in a donut-eating competition

North Carolina man Bradley Herbert Hardison had warrants out for two break-ins when he broke into the donut-eating contest at Elizabeth City Police Department's National Night Out Against Crime. By the time the cops wiped the sugar from their eyes, they noticed that the man who beat them with 8 donuts in two minutes was a criminal they had been trying to put in the hole. Hardison was arrested on the spot with his original charges, plus additional charges of breaking and entering and felony larceny.


1. Anyone hoping to get through the day without seeing an Instagram pic of Miley Cyrus peeing on a tree.

Sucks to be you. But for those who are kind of into it, congrats on having a really great start to the week, pervs!

(by Myka Fox and Bob Powers)