5. People with heart conditions or severe sensitivity to cold who nevertheless love joining in on social media trends.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has already raised millions for ALS research, and has pretty much dominated your social media feeds during these slow end-of-summer days. But what of those people who can't participate? Sure, they can send in their money like a normal, humbly charitable person. But they don't get to garner likes with a goofy video showing off their hot swimsuit bod, do they? Perhaps a challenge is in order to benefit those poor souls who feel left out by challenges. Let's start spreading The Sitting In A Comfortable Chair In A Well Air-Conditioned Room challenge [catchy hashtag TK]. Everyone who participates donates $100. I'd go $200 if the chair's a recliner.


4. Everyone in Ferguson, and everyone whose hope dies a little more every time they read about Ferguson.

(Image via Getty)

So now the National Guard is being sent in to clean up the mess left by the state troopers who were sent in to clean up the mess made by the police. Considering that so much of the hostility erupted in response to a police force that was outfitted like the military, sending in actual military to act like a police force probably isn't going to end very well.


3. Expecting parents who like money.

A new report out today finds that kids cost a shitload of cash. In this case, the definition of "shitload" is a quarter-million dollars. The average expense of raising a kid has risen 1.8% to $245,230. Luckily, though, that's spread out over the course of 18 years, before the second quarter-million* you'll have to shell out over the next four years for the kid to go to college.

*This is assuming you send your child to a state school or other non-profit college with reasonable tuition. Eighteen years from now, $250 grand will be the low-end of higher education costs, while top schools will likely raise their costs so that you can only pay tuition by turning over ownership of private islands and/or giving the university controlling shares of major corporate entities.


2. Anyone who hates Coldplay and loves Jennifer Lawrence. In other words, everyone.

On Friday, Page Six reported that Jennifer Lawrence is dating recently uncoupled Gwyneth ex Chris Martin. That's right, Jennifer Lawrence likes the singer from Coldplay, not you. She probably even says stuff like, "I love the new album of Coldplay music, honey. And I'm really attracted to you, the person who sang those Coldplay songs." And Chris Martin probably says, "Seriously?" Then they kiss kisses that you'll never feel.


1. The editor who just found out that Lindsay Lohan's memoir is going to be a trilogy.

Lindsay Lohan is writing a memoir, which means some poor editor is going to be tasked with the impossible job of suggesting myriad different ways to write the phrase, "And then I woke up and had no idea where I was." Depressing enough, but that editor probably thought this book would be no big deal. Just a half-assed tell-all that ends up being slightly longer than Lindsay's purported sex list. Imagine that editor earlier today when it was announced that 28-year-old Lindsay believes her story has the meat to be stretched out over the course of three volumes. Considering how slowly publishing can move, that means the books could be printed over the course of three years. Three whole years of a career spent correcting the spelling of the Lindsay Lohan story. Imagine it, and enjoy your own job a little more today.

(by Bob Powers)