5. Jennifer Lopez, whose publicist didn't bother googling Turkmenistan. Someone should have told "Jenny from the block" that Turkmenistan is like the blockiest block ever, what with the oppression of minorities, restrictions on citizens traveling, police brutality, restrictions on press freedom, and totalitarian rule by Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow. But no one did, so J-Lo went there to sing "Happy Birthday" to Mr. Berdimuhamedow, a performance she was then forced to apologize for, and not just because his name clearly does not fit in the song. We're calling on J-Lo to donate her fee to a human rights organization that combats long, unpronounceable names.
4. Anyone stupid enough to think taking out a federal student loan would pay off in the long run. Remember when you were young and foolish, and thought investing in your education was the most important thing, even if it meant taking out a few thousand dollars in loans? This is the day when you realize that the one choice you made as a teen that seemed responsible was actually a huge mistake. Subsidized Stafford loans (sounds cheap, right?) had an interest rate of 3.4% until today, when it doubled to 6.8%. Since your degree didn't actually prepare you for the world, you can neither understand the implications of that, nor secure a job to pay it off. Basically, you're fucked. Maybe try getting a loan for grad school?