5. Justin Bieber's grandmother, who was serenaded by her naked douche of a grandson. Ugh, this kid. Really. Let's just say that the Biebers have horrible boundary issues. Why is there a photographer there? Showing up naked at your grandma's door to make her scream is something that should be kept within the family, not paraded in tabloids for attention. TMZ is claiming that the grandma claims that she thought this was "a hoot." Everyone knows senior citizens saying "it was a hoot" is the same as a teen saying "yeah it was fine, whatever." It means nothing. —JMC


4. People who just wanted to enjoy the magic of Disney World. It's a small, small world and it's getting smaller as large chunks of earth are getting sucked underground. Last night, about 35 people were forced to evacuate a resort about 10 minutes from Disney World in central Florida after a 60-foot sinkhole opened up underneath them. Luckily, the resort sunk with cartoonishly slow speed so everyone had a chance to get out. It seems like this sort of thing is happening in Florida all the time lately, but we are certainly not hoping the entire state gets sucked under soon. That's probably not even possible. Right? —SRD


3. Abel Lenz. On Friday, AOL CEO Tim Armstrong held a conference call with Patch.com employees to explain some changes to Patch's services. A couple of minutes in, Armstrong told Patch's Creative Director Abel Lenz to stop taking photos, something Lenz did during every company-wide meeting, to post to their internal website. A few seconds later, Armstrong told him, "You're fired." It's hard to say if Abel Lenz is the loser here or not, since escaping the AOL world is almost certainly a good thing at this point. Armstrong definitely comes across as an asshole in this leaked recording, which must be bad for whatever business AOL still has. —SRD


2. Tennessee parents who wanted to name their son Messiah, but were forced by a judge to change his name to Martin. In America, we're free to name our children whatever we want, as long as that name doesn't conflict with a local judge's religious beliefs. Judge Lu Ann Ballew ordered the parents of 7-month-old Messiah DeShawn Martin to change his name to Martin DeShawn McCullough, which his parents are now appealing. They originally went to court because each wanted the child to carry their own last name, but Ballew recognized the real problem: "The word Messiah is a title and it's a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ." Cool, so that's totally in the spirit of separation of church and state. The real problem here is that Martin is a totally lame name. At least order them to name him something cool, like Xander or Aziz. What a waste of an abuse of power. —SRD


1. Democrats who attended the Missouri State Fair. When a rodeo clown came out wearing an Obama mask (not the "that looks like Obama" kind, the "don't wear that outside a Republican convention" kind), the announcer asked if the crowd would like to see Obama "run down by a bull." Then, they collectively orgasmed. "It was at that point I began to feel a sense of fear. It was that level of enthusiasm," said one 48-year-old attendee. Or, maybe you think it was fine. You'd have plenty of allies at the YouTube Commenters' Think Tank. As for state officials, Republican Lt. Gov. Peter Kinder said it was "disrespectful" and that "we are better than this." State fair organizers apologized, saying they failed to keep the show family-friendly. As for the Show-Me State's fair attendees, they apologize for not remembering that everything is on video these days. —JMC