5. Anyone who doesn't care about football. There's an old adage about talking about sports: you can ask "who's winning?" "What's the score?" "What quarter/half/inning is it?" but not "Who's playing?" This marks you as a weak "book-lovin' sissy boy" or "girl" in the eyes of the nation's overweight, alcoholic fans of steroidal, concussed athletes. Every fall, though, there's one question that's worse than all the others: "Oh, are they playing football now?" It's like (real) Groundhog Day, except you're Punxsutawney Phil, and whether you screw up determines if you get ripped on by friends for 6 weeks or 6 months. Our recommendation is to watch The League and just quote it as if you're using words you actually know.JMC

 

4. Vincent Van Gogh's ghost. When Vincent van Gogh died 120 years ago, he had sold only one painting. Though he had begun to gain some recognition as an artist, he died penniless, in relative obscurity, from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The good news is that today the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam revealed it has uncovered a long-lost work by the now-famous painter, a large canvas titled "Sunset at Montmajour." The painting spent many years in someone's attic, where it was believed to be of no importance, and belongs to a private art collector, who is now very, very wealthy indeed. It seems only fair that someone should go back in time and give some of that cash to Van Gogh. Selling the painting should be enough for a down payment on a time machine. —SRD