5. Anyone who doesn't care about football. There's an old adage about talking about sports: you can ask "who's winning?" "What's the score?" "What quarter/half/inning is it?" but not "Who's playing?" This marks you as a weak "book-lovin' sissy boy" or "girl" in the eyes of the nation's overweight, alcoholic fans of steroidal, concussed athletes. Every fall, though, there's one question that's worse than all the others: "Oh, are they playing football now?" It's like (real) Groundhog Day, except you're Punxsutawney Phil, and whether you screw up determines if you get ripped on by friends for 6 weeks or 6 months. Our recommendation is to watch The League and just quote it as if you're using words you actually know.JMC


4. Vincent Van Gogh's ghost. When Vincent van Gogh died 120 years ago, he had sold only one painting. Though he had begun to gain some recognition as an artist, he died penniless, in relative obscurity, from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The good news is that today the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam revealed it has uncovered a long-lost work by the now-famous painter, a large canvas titled "Sunset at Montmajour." The painting spent many years in someone's attic, where it was believed to be of no importance, and belongs to a private art collector, who is now very, very wealthy indeed. It seems only fair that someone should go back in time and give some of that cash to Van Gogh. Selling the painting should be enough for a down payment on a time machine. —SRD


3. Oprah, because she missed out on the big Bashar Al-Assad interview. The first interview for a U.S. news outlet with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad since 2011 went to Charlie Rose, co-host of CBS This Morning. For some reason, it did not appear on the Oprah Winfrey Network, even though Oprah's probing style would be a perfect foil for the Syrian leader, who is suspected of using chemical weapons against his own people. Charlie Rose, on the other hand, never once used the phrase "we've all been there" during his interview. We can surely look forward to Oprah's exclusive with Assad once he decides to come clean about his past actions and seek a fresh start. —SRD


2. Dennis Rodman, because nobody is interested in his latest attention-getting scheme. You guys, Dennis Rodman isn't just some heavily tattooed guy who once played basketball. He's an international peacemaker on par with Magic Johnson, or another basketball player whose import extended slightly beyond the basketball court. In fact, Dennis Rodman is officially the ambassador of Kim Jong-un to the United States. In addition to coaching their basketball team, Rodman would like an audience with President Obama. And yet none of these facts seem to add up to anyone caring about Dennis Rodman, or for that matter North Korea. Maybe try another piercing? —SRD


1. Anyone still trying to avoid 'Breaking Bad' spoilers. The only reason I'm able to look at the screen right now is that I know that I am the one who writes (get it?). No one is going to finish this story by telling me that Walt drives to the desert and HEY! SHUT UP, SUBCONSCIOUS! That's it. I can't even finish this paragraph. I'm finishing this up and then I'm going to go chain myself to a mast, Odysseus-style, and then sink the ship to the bottom of the ocean until everything is on Netflix and I can watch it all at once without having to hear what anyone else thinks about it before, during, or frankly after I've seen it. —JMC