5. Justin Bieber - The pop star was in the middle of a concert Saturday night when he suddenly bent over, turned his back to the audience and spewed out an inadvertently accurate metaphor for his music onto the stage. Extra security staff was immediately brought in to prevent the first seven rows from charging the puddle with squeegees and Tupperware containers. Bieber claims the vomiting was brought on by drinking too much milk — an excuse that's as unlikely as it is adorable. Unfortunately, he was able to recover and finish the show.


4. Tim Cook - It's been a tough few days for the Apple CEO. First, he apologized for the geographical disaster that is Apple Maps (which Apple Maps users were unable to hear from the bottom of the 500-foot ravine they'd driven themselves into on the way to the grocery store). Now, he's getting media backlash for saying sorry in the first place — something people say Steve Jobs would have never done. Which just goes to show that, whether it's the new iPhone or the new CEO, Apple users will always find something to complain about.


3. Jack White - The former White Stripes frontman left his audience seeing red after he cut short a performance at Radio City Music Hall and never returned for an encore — the absurd "we said we were done playing but really we're not" charade that fans and musicians have been pointlessly engaging in for decades. White was reportedly upset with what he considered to be a lackluster amount of energy from the crowd, at one point asking, "What is this, an NPR Convention?" As white people, we're both saddened to hear such a negative story about one of our favorite musicians, and intrigued by the idea of such a thing as an NPR Convention.


2. The U.S. Ryder Cup Team - The Europeans delivered a stunning come-from-behind victory on the final day, which was a huge disappointment for the American golfers, but an even bigger disappointment for your dad, who fell asleep in his recliner 15 minutes into the competition and missed the entire thing. If the U.S. can't beat Europe at golf, what can we beat them at? Oh, right — almost everything else.


1. This guy - Even if you accidentally sent a reply-all email today about how Carol in reception reeks of cat urine, you're still better off than Craig Daniel Evans, a British swim coach who accidentally sexted everyone in his contact list, including two underage girls. But to be fair, his message — which reportedly read, "Would you f**k me? Fast or slow? Skin on skin" — would be equally creepy no matter how old you are. Evans was arrested, then released once authorities determined he wasn't a pedophile, just an idiot.

Sources: Chase Mitchell