5. General Petraeus - The absurdly decorated four-star general and CIA director abruptly resigned over a recently revealed affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. While we totally understand getting horny when asked to talk about yourself, we'd expect a little more discretion from a guy whose entire job revolves around protecting national secrets. Broadwell even named her book All In, which was only slightly more subtle than its original title, General Petraeus is Nailing Me In The Back of a Humvee Right Now.
4. Justin Bieber - Selena Gomez has reportedly kicked her pop star boyfriend to the curb, which wasn't hard because he has the hollow bones of a woodland sparrow. Reports on her reason for the breakup vary — some say she couldn't handle his fame, the attention from other girls, or his lack of mammalian genitalia — but all we know for sure is we could not care less whether these two people live or die. Besides, we're pretty sure a team of Disney Channel scientists is hard at work assembling Justin's next girlfriend in their horrifying underground laboratory.