5. Mitt Romney - "Mitt who?" you ask. Exactly. It's been only two weeks since the election and Mitt "Sour Grapes" Romney is already vanishing into obscurity faster than the Gangnam Style guy, and with considerably less rhythm. Romney's most recent attempt to stay relevant fell flat when he whined that Obama won the election by giving "gifts" to minority groups — comments that now have his former Republican friends distancing themselves from him like rats fleeing a sinking 300-foot yacht. Time for Mitt to read our new book, They're Just Not That Into You And Never Were Because Frankly You Were An Extremely Lackluster Candidate.
4. San Francisco Nudists - Bad news for aging hippies who look like they were kicked out of ZZ Top in the middle of taking a shower —The City Of Literally Every Kind Of Love may be getting a little more conservative soon, thanks to a proposed ban on public nudity. The bill would prohibit anyone over the age of 5 from "exposing his or her genitals, perineum or anal region on any public street, sidewalk, street median, parklet or plaza," which marks the first time we've heard a piece of proposed legislation that specifically mentioned taints. Of course, if the government Dong Nazis do pass this law, nudists can always take a page from the Prohibition-era handbook by getting naked in cool, private places, like dressing rooms and showers.