5. Non-Royal Babies - Buckingham Palace announced today that Kate Middleton is the British equivalent of knocked up (knickered up?), which means the stodgy old English monarchy is about to welcome a new generation of rich, self-entitled a**hole. The fetus is currently gestating in the royal womb, blissfully unaware of the life of boring ceremonies, drab clothes, and stupid paparazzi nicknames that await him. On the bright side, his hair has barely started thinning.
4. Everyone on Twitter - As inevitable as the sunrise or the tide rolling out to sea, human sewage treatment plant Chris Brown suddenly realized he'd gone a whole week without the misguided adoration of his thousands of mentally ill fans, and returned to Twitter with an Instagram photo that screams "Don't worry guys — I'm still the same unrepentant piece of floating waste you remember from seven days ago. See? The woman I beat within an inch of her life thinks so, too." Congratulations, you two. Congratulations, America.