5. Pretty much everyone who's ever been associated with Penn State - A day after finally removing its 7-foot broze reminder of a horrifying child rape scandal, Penn State continued to take its medicine this morning as the NCAA handed down severe sanctions on its forever-tainted football program. The punishments include disavowing all of Paterno's wins since 1999, a $60 million fine, and a four-year bowl ban. So Penn State fans still get to go to football games, they'll just be way too depressed to enjoy them.

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4. Bristol Palin - Apparently the spawn of Sarah Palin is still on TV and there is nothing we can do about it. (We've checked with the FCC.) We're also powerless to prevent her from raising her child into a homophobic little monster, which appears to be going along swimmingly, according to a new clip released online that features Tripp calling his aunt Willow a "faggot" while Willow and Bristol just laugh. Excellent parenting skills, Bristol — we can't wait to see what this kid's capable of when he's big enough to hold his first Westboro Baptist Church picket sign.

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