5. Michael Phelps - After two events, America's favorite half-dolphin Subway spokesman remains gold-medalless in London, which marks the first time we've ever been surprised that a pot-smoking, fast-food-eating 27-year-old failed at something. Sure, he'll probably still break the all-time medal record and lead a long, happy life of pride and fulfillment the likes of which we can't even imagine, but today, he's kind of a loser.
4. Robert Pattinson - The Twlight star finally has an excuse to look clincially depressed ever since learning that his girlfriend/sentient Hot Topic mannequin Kristen Stewart has dead-eyes for someone else — namely, Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. What's worse, Pattinson was about to ask for Stewart's undoubtedly frigid hand in marriage. At least now their experience promoting the final Twilight film will be as unbearably miserable as the movie itself.