5. Republicans - Hurricane Isaac has postponed the start of the Republican National Convention — a.k.a. "Comic-Con with bowties" — until tomorrow, which means conservatives get one fewer day of trying very, very hard to sound excited about Mitt Romney. Canceled events include a Todd Akin Powerpoint lecture on the mysteries of the female body and a shirtless reading of The Fountainhead by Paul Ryan, though you can still catch the shirtless Doritos-eating exhibition being held in Chris Christie's hotel room.
4. Heterosexual Males in Togo - Women in the West African nation of Togo are taking a stand against their oppressive government by vowing to withhold sexual intercourse, which may be the first time a serious effort to achieve social progress has ever sounded like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. The "sex strike" is scheduled to last one week (which is apparently a long time to go without getting laid in Togo, lucky bastards), and will either end in sweeping political change, or a sudden surge in the number of Tongolese men with Wi-Fi access to internet porn.
3. Samsung Employees, Samsung Stockholders, and Anyone Viewing This List on a Samsung Product - Note to self: Don't ever piss off Apple. The Biff Tannen of computer companies continues holding Samsung's head in the toilet after successfully suing them into the ground for copyright infringement last week. Today, Apple added injury to injury by asking for an outright ban on eight Samsung products in America. Apple, chill out. There aren't even eight people using Samsung products in America. We hate to say it, Apple, but you've been kind of a dick since your dad died.
2. Baby Lorenzo - It seems like just yesterday that the world reacted with horror to the news that the vulgar, neon orange bowling ball of societal degradation known as "Snooki" was with child. Nine short months and an apparently nonlethal amount of prenatal drinking later, and Jersey Shore finally has its ninth housemate: Lorenzo Polizzi, whom we assume is roughly the size of Snooki already. The kid has a tough road ahead — they don't make Affliction T-shirts in baby sizes, and it will be years before he's legally allowed in a tanning bed — but it can't be any tougher than emerging from Snooki's horrifying birth canal.
1. Lance Armstrong - Proving that even a cancer survivor is not immune from saying "ah, screw it," Armstrong finally gave up his fight against the United States Anti-Doping Agency last Friday. The USADA responded today by stripping Armstrong of his seven Tour De France victories, banning him from the sport of cycling and, we assume, forbidding him from wearing bike shorts forever. It's unfortunate to see a onetime hero become as sad and irrelevant as the U.S. Postal Service logo on his uniform. We're not defending Armstrong, but if you see a grizzled-looking guy in a yellow jersey pulling a rickshaw in Central Park in a few months, maybe give him a decent tip. Or if you can spare it, a testicle.