5. Rick Santorum - The failed presidential candidate and four-time Homophobe of the Year spoke at the Value Voters Summit last week — a gathering so conservative it makes the RNC look like a gay rave in the basement of a 24-hour abortion clinic — where he unintentionally confessed what Fox News has made us long suspect: smart people don't vote Republican. He then tore off his sleeves, lit a fart, and introduced the party's prospective 2016 presidential candidate, Honey Boo Boo.


4. Kate Middleton - Last week Middleton became the second member of the British monarchy to fall victim to a nude photo scandal, further confirming suspicions that the Royal Family does, in fact, have genitalia. The royals are furious with the photographer for invading Middleton's privacy; we're furious with him for using such a crappy lens. Today she continues her battle against European tabloids who are threatening to release even more photos. But unless it's a shot of Queen Elizabeth modeling tiaras in the nude or Prince Philip doing a pantsless split on the Buckingham Palace lawn, we feel like we've already seen it.