Pregnant woman's husband confesses to what she suspected; aftermath blows up family dynamic. 5 UPDATES OVER 2 MONTHS
When this woman is horrified at her husband's confession, she asks Reddit:
"My husband confessed to what I slightly suspected. I’m pregnant and I don’t know why this is happening to me. AITA?"
My sister and I had a shitty life growing up with a passive mother and abusive stepfather. My sister was my protector and role model since no one of the adults were.
She tried to shift my stepdad’s abuse on her when he got drunk so he wouldn’t hurt me. When she left for college she let me stay in her bed while she slept on the floor in her student room, the days I managed to run away from home. When I turned 16 she let me move in with her permanently. We never saw our parents again.
My husband is very similar to my sister. They’re both very calm and kind. Both very intelligent. They have the same sense of humor, love the same music, books movies and games.
It’s like a weird perverted thing that I found the male version of my sister to fall in love with. They get along very well and that was so important to me because they’re my only family. We got married a year ago after 6 years together and I’m 27w pregnant now with our first baby.
My sister met her BF(m30) a years ago. He got along very well with me and my husband although I always felt that my husband never really liked the guy.
When I asked him once why he didn’t like him, he got flustered and told me that he didn’t know it was noticeable and apologized. He told me he just didn’t think he was good enough for her. I started to suspect something there.
HER BF proposed to my sister last night. We were just having pizzas and they were having beers in my sisters balcony and the BF just suddenly went down on his knees and took out a ring.
She was very surprised but happy all the same and said yes. When we went back home my husband was a little tipsy. He told me he wasn’t tired and that he’s going to take one more beer and watch TV and that I should go to bed. I went back to the living area and he was sitting there crying.
I asked him what’s going on and he told me that he was in love with my sister. I kind of sensed it but I didn't want to believe it. Has been for years but that he knew how wrong this was. He told me that loved me very much and promised to be a good husband and father to our daughter. He slept on the couch. He’s still sleeping now.
I’m shocked and full of anxiety. I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. My sister, should I tell her? Nothing can be the same again but she’s my only family and my best friend. And my husband. Is this over?
I have been so blind now I see everything, of course he’s in love with her how could I be shocked now? Can I save this marriage? And my baby? I promised her a better life than the one I had. I promised her kind and loving parents. I can’t let her come to this world with estranged parents and new people in their lives. What can I do?
Before we give you OP's updates about confronting her husband, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
imaginedragons writes:
You have to tell her. Your husband is out of his mind. Not sure what he expects to happen. I’m guessing he’s throwing in a Hail Mary, to get her to leave her fiancé to ride of into the sunset with him. I don’t see this working out the way he probably is hoping.
Regardless, she deserves to know the truth. She’s going to feel just as blindsided as you. Your sister seems like a good one, and I’m sure she will hate to see the pain he caused you. Tell her. She needs to know.
mehitabel8 writes:
She needs to hear all of this from you, not from your husband. I think this Monday meeting that he's asking her for is a last-ditch desperate attempt on his part to convince her to run away with him or some idiotic thing.
Your husband is one seriously messed up human being. She should not agree to meet up with him, and if she does feel she needs to talk to him, she should have her fiance there.
I think it's better that you just let him go and keep your sister in your life. Get the divorce, take the house, and tell him to get out of Dodge and don't come back.
Your sister has proven herself over and over to be unconditionally in your corner, and despite you saying you resent her and are jealous of her in an earlier post, you and she are very lucky to have each other. You will not have to raise your child alone with her there to support you.
I think you and your sister should try therapy together, so you can work through all of the baggage you're still carrying around from your childhood.
desertdame writes:
I’m older. And sadly wiser. I remember your other post. Please please don’t ever have those two meet together ever. He’s gone off the rails. He really has. And look at that cliche it means the train has gone off the tracks and crashed and burned. That is what he had done.
She must block him from everything on her socials. You must block him on socials too. He will stalk her on them and use your account to access her.
To him you’re merely collateral damage. To him. She is the princess that he’ll never have and the family he’ll never have. And sometimes when men can’t have what they want. No one else will either.
So be safe with her. She has to be told. She has to be told that you tried to do the right things by moving away etc. but failed. She needs to lock it down with security cameras etc.
Best of luck. Congratulations on your child. They will pull you through the rough times like nothing else. But then of course they’ll give you a rough time. lol.
But now you’ll have your true family to help each other and cousins to be. Life will be so much better for you. Trust grandma on this. For him not so much. But he has earned his place in purgatory.
silaquix writes:
Just as an FYI he can't be let off the hook. Even if he relinquishes all parental rights he still is legally obligated to pay child support. The only exception is if there's a stepfather willing to adopt the child and step in as the father.
The courts won't give a crap what agreement is between you two. Get a lawyer immediately and only communicate with your soon to be ex via text or email. Show the lawyer any texts he's sent about this farce.
Also he's spiralling and could snap and do something violent. Do not meet with him or let your sister meet with him. There are tons of cases where men go nuts when faced with reality and think "If I can't have her no can" or that their actual spouse is in the way and then end up murdering the women.
Homicide is the number one killer of pregnant women and you're both pregnant with a deranged man tearing apart your lives. Be careful and stay the hell away from him.
And now, OP's first update (after talking to her husband again):
He is awake now and I have spoken to him. He apologized for hurting me last night. He said that he just felt despair like he had something very beloved and important in his life that he lost and he was mourning it.
He told me he loved me very much and he wanted for this to work for us and the baby. I asked him if he loved her more than me and he said it’s just a different type of love.
I asked him if he could choose between me or her he said he’d choose me. I asked him if he thought she was more beautiful and he said that I’m conventionally more attractive.
I asked him if has stayed with me all these years to be near her. He said I was being unfair to him because he did love me. I asked him if he is okay never seeing her again.
He teared up but then said he would do anything to save this marriage. He then added that he never really had a mother or a female figure in his life. That’s probably why he’s attached to her because she is very warm and loving. I asked him do you love her as a mother figure or do you want to sleep with her.
He didn’t want to answer. I asked him if he fantasized about her while sleeping with me. He refused to answer at first and then said why are you doing this to yourself. I asked him will lose interest in me if she’s out of our lives and it’s just us.
He looked like he was thinking about this for the first time and then he said that he chose me and my baby. He wants to start therapy and counseling because he thinks this marriage is salvageable.
OP provides this second update (after going to dinner with sister, sister's fiance, and husband):
We had a dinner with my sister and her fiancé. My husband was unusually silent and didn’t initiate any talk with my sister. And he barely looked at her. It was a nice dinner.
My sister is too happy to notice anything with her engagement and trip tomorrow. Before she went however my husband hugged her, longer than usual. He told her he was happy for her and wished her a great trip.
All while hugging her then he held her hand and told her I didn’t congratulate you properly yesterday because I was drunk and he congratulated her again. He was tearing up again. Then he hugged my sister’s fiancé. And congratulated him. He was silent on our way home.
He told me he loved me when we got back and that he will do anything to make this work but that I shouldn’t take any decisions while hurt. We are starting couples therapy. I want him to be 100% honest.
He asked me not tell anyone about his confession because it meant nothing. I told him that I didn’t want him around my sister anymore if I would give him a chance. He asked me how this would work when we’re always together.
She will suspect something and he doesn’t want me to tell her because he’s embarrassed. I told him he could just minimize his interactions with her. I told him to sleep on the couch again tonight because I haven’t made up my mind about my next move yet and that until then it’s the couch for him.
Good night and thanks for everything including teaching me how to make bold text. What an exhausting day.
And now OP's third update:
I’m thankful for everyone who’s reaching out asking for any new updates. I just don’t think I have information enough to make a new post. But I have gone through all the comments and thank you. I asked my husband for separation because I need to be in my own to make my decision.
We are also starting MC. Wether we stay together or not. I want to know everything that he has been withholding from me. He thinks I’m torturing myself but he’s wrong. I’m tortured with half truths. With MC I’m hoping I could get to the bottom of his feelings in a safe environment.
He cried when I told him that I wanted to separate. He told me he has lost everything in one day because of a drunk confession that meant nothing. He loves me and he wants to be with me. He suggested that we move away. He has had job offers in other cities on several occasions. He said this could be our new start.
We were renovating the basement this summer to make it a guest room because our current guests room is being turned into a baby room. He will live in the basement. It has separate entrances and the mini kitchen is almost finished.
I have decided not to tell my sister about any of this. This is my battle and my marriage. I love my sister so much but I’ll be very honest here. I resent her. I’m jealous of her and I think I have always been jealous of her.
She’s a way better person than I’m. I hate that I never had the chance to return the favor as she always been perfect and never needed help. I resent that she isn’t as angry as I’m about the injustice we had to endure.
I HATE that she’s so good to me and my husband. I hate that he sees how much better of a person she is and I hate that I don’t blame for loving her instead of me.
Two months later, OP updates readers with a harrowing post about the aftermath of all of this. Take a look:
Hi! I was here about two months ago with my woe about my husband breaking down and confessing that he was in love with my sister and has been for years. The short version is that we’re getting a divorce. And that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with our daughter. I will include the original post.
After my sister’s engagement, and his confession. He made me a promise that he will love me and that he’s going to do all in his power to be a good and loving husband and father.
He didn’t want me to tell my sister anything because he was embarrassed and we slowly started to plan a future together in another city. He was already getting a better job offer in the other city and now he thought it was time to move on. I agreed. We started MC.
I told my sister that we were moving and she was very distraught but she as always didn’t object and supported me. I don’t know if she felt it was weird that my husband wasn’t hanging with us anymore but she never asked. She was probably just busy with her own happiness and the changes in her life.
After her vacation she came home and told me everything. She was pregnant and she was glowing, and that was the reason for this sudden engagement. Her fiancé wants to get married before the baby was born.
She asked me to keep it a secret (she probably didn’t mean even from my husband but I kept it a secret anyway) because she was waiting for the second trimester to make the announcement.
She finally broke down crying however about me moving away when she needed me the most but then later apologized for being selfish. She understood that we needed to provide the best life for my daughter including finding better jobs elsewhere. I cried for a whole week.
A week ago my husband was in a job interview in the other city and he was going to stay there for the week to sign a lease to a new apartment (we thought we could try out the new life before selling our house to buy a new one there).
My sisters and her boyfriend made the announcement that they were expecting last Tuesday , the day after my husband’s interview. Not 30 minutes later my husband called me.
He was drunk and he was crying and asking if it was true and if I knew. He called me a cruel liar for not telling him. He said it was so unfair. My sister’s fiancé was a loser and he didn’t deserve her (her fiancé is a carpenter and my sister is a pediatrician) and he told me he needed to be alone for a while so switched off his phone.
Friday he texted me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he didn’t want to be in my daughter’s life.
He was sorry but couldn’t do it anymore. If I agreed to free him from his responsibilities as a father he will leave me the house. I tried calling him but he had switched off his phone again.
I cried all night. Yesterday morning my sister called me to ask what’s up. My husband has asked her to meet up with him because he wanted to tell her something that he couldn’t say over the phone.
That he was coming on Monday to see her. She asked me what’s going on but I was too tired to tell her anything. She and her fiancé are coming over today and I will probably need to tell her everything now.
One FINAL update from OP:
Hi again! I knew I could count on you for support. My sister was here and I told her everything. I got help from showing her parts of what I have written here because honestly I’m too tired to go into details about what I’ve been going through all these weeks.
I told her that My husband was going to call asking to meet her probably to tell her he loved her. or maybe something more sinister so she need to stay away from him. her fiancé was on the edge of his seat with anger.
My sister was just crying and apologizing and trying to hug and stroke my hair. I hated her touch I don’t know why, I know nothing is her fault. I told my sister that now I warned her I want to be in my own for a while and that I didn’t want any contact with any of them.
I have been thinking about moving to another city. There’s a small town that one of my best high school friends live in after getting married. Its up north and everything is bigger and better and cheaper. I can easily find a small rental until the divorce is final and I can easily get a job there. If I can manage a pace there I can give birth up there with zero stress.
I texted my husband that I’ve told my sister everything and that both her and her fiancé aren’t happy. He called me an hour later. He apologized and told me he didn’t mean to freak her out. He just wanted to see her and say goodbye but that he won’t bother her if she feels scared.
He’s still the same man and wouldn’t let anything happen to her. He didn’t ask about me or my baby. He’s staying in the new place and he’s starting his new job in September. He thought he would come back to say goodbye before moving to his new city permanently.
My sister texted me later that she loved me and that she would stay out of my way if that’s what I wanted but to please not go through with my plans to move.
I was wrong in thinking I’m a burden in her life Because she’s always needed me as much I needed her if not more. She would do anything to make it up to me. I didn’t answer. I hate it when she’s so perfect and kind.
Readers continued to weigh in on OPs updates:
nyacanhazpuppy writes:
A lot of folk have covered talking about the danger your sister is in. Or to talk to a divorce lawyer and not let him off with his gracious offer of gifting you a mortgage while 32 weeks pregnant.
I want to say that it's okay for you to want some distance from all of this, including distance from your sister. Yeah, she didn't do anything, not her fault. But you had a seriously damaging childhood that isn't less damaging just because your sister took the physical abuse.
You still took a ton of emotional and mental abuse. Now your husband is acting completely like an ass. Leaving you in an awful emotional situation.
Of course you want to distance yourself. And I'd argue you need to. You don't need ANY of this stress while in your third trimester. And you don't need to be your sister's emotional support - she has her fiancé, she'll be okay.
This time right now is about YOU and giving your daughter the best shot you can. If that means less stress, more focus on you, going to visit your BF, getting a therapist that's for YOU (not a MC), handing the reigns of separation to a divorce lawyer for a bit... Do it. Do what you need to do to lower stress.
Take care of yourself. Taking all this on when not 32 weeks pregnant is a lot. An absolute upheaval of your whole life. Doing it while growing a human and having to give birth...? Nah man. Take care of you.