It's the 10th anniversary of Facebook! It's hard to believe we've been stalking exes, wasting time at work, and trying to maintain a somewhat respectable public image on Facebook for a decade (see how you fared here). At some point in the last ten years you've probably wanted to say at least one of these things to (or about) your Facebook friends. It's not too late to vent. - Your 1:02 minute Facebook movie was one minute too long to hold my attention.
Better luck next decade! - I don't even want to watch my own Facebook movie.
So many boring movies. - Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.
Reading a famous person's words is almost as annoying as reading your friend's. - Facebook constantly reminds me that people uglier than me are getting engaged.
Share this with your other attractive friends who are ignoring their own personality flaws. - Thanks for tagging me in a Facebook photo that I immediately untagged because I didn't look amazing
Everyone assumes that's why you did it, but it's nice to hear it from the source. - For every photo that you post on Facebook of your kid, I will post one of me having a life.
Be careful this doesn't lead to an arms race where your liver and their kid are the victims. - One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Also, no one who can digitally turn others into vampires, zombies, or pirates. - Your future looks promising once you take down all the Facebook pictures that make you unemployable
Or, leave them up and make room in the job market for the rest of us. It's tough out there. - I wish there was an even lazier way than social media to wish you a happy birthday.
Cut to the year 2023: "Johnny thought briefly about your birthday today!"