I like my men like I like my chronic illnesses: manageable.
Most men try to be impressive and end up being repulsive (and end up on sites like GTFOCupid). Obviously possessed of a scientific mind, Evan Vail decided to be as unattractive as possible on his OKCupid profile to see if the process worked in reverse. Spoiler alert: it did. This is the kind of non-sequitor, go-anywhere humor from a random person that the Internet was built for.
Evan did indeed end up on GTFOCupid, presumably put there by someone who didn't understand that they'd just found a diamond in the rough. Once there, however, it went viral, which he started to suspect when he began receiving OKCupid messages from all over the globe.
The war between man and dating profile (or more accurately, man and his own brain) is as old as the Internet. On the one hand, a dating profile should convince a woman that you would be fun to spend time with, and on the other, horniness lowers IQ by about 25 points and men somehow got it into their heads that women like hearing descriptions of their penises (they don't, and they will post watercolor art of you with a tiny penis on the Internet if you try it).
What those women and people all over the world who clicked and chuckled at his profile realized was that this was a work of performance art. Not that he didn't make sure to include some redeeming qualities. As you can see, he clearly has business ambitions, which is something a lot of women appreciate.
If it had stopped at the granny sex, it would probably have been clearer to a lot of people that this was all a joke. Not one to back away from a challenge, however, Evan went full throttle with all the fields on the dating profile (one of his skills, apparently).
It's important to have common interests, of course. What's more disturbing is finding out that you actually do share interests with a crazy person.
The interesting thing is that it's not exactly like he's totally not trying. He's signaling the things he likes to make fun of, and that says a lot. Plus, I believe him about his love for pizza and butts.
Frankly, I kind of feel like this guy's profile sums up the experience of being a dude: we're pretty much all high-functioning trainwrecks, but through trial and error we figure out a way to make that part of our charm. Indeed, all of our charm. We do this by pretending to be even bigger trainwrecks. Joking about being a terrible alcoholic who has awful taste in everything is actually a pretty good way to get people to like you. Hahahaha. Help.
Stupid drop-down menus for "I'm looking for." Could've been jokes all the way!
That's probably why Vail has managed to get a few dates out of his viral fame, according to BuzzFeed, who reached out to Evan to confirm that he was, you know, real. The best part of this is that Evan is actually pretty uneasy about being contacted by all these women. After all, he wouldn't want to meet someone weird.
(by Johnny McNulty)