- My agonizingly trivial Twitter updates only confirm the bone-chilling hollowness of my existence

For those who wouldn't even follow themselves on twitter.


They say "an unexamined life isn't worth living," but the modern corollary to that should be "forcing others to examine your life in inane 140-character snippets on Twitter should be a capital offense." We've collected some of the briefest and best ways to express your feelings about Twitter, your loyal friends and followers, and anything else related to the social media platform that consumes most of our lives. Since you're going to be glued to your feed all day anyway, you might as well share some of these cards, or even better, one you've created yourself. - Sorry your seemingly original joke was already made 200 times on Twitter.

That's what SHE said! #ROFL - Have a great time reading my vacation tweets

"cinnabon line longer & more humiliating than airport security #vacay #cinnabon #yumyums" - I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments

On second thought, just text scantily clad pictures. - I hope you can handle the pressures of a burgeoning Twitter following

Tweet a joke during a national tragedy and they'll turn on you like a pack of wolves. - I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter

We refuse to follow anyone with only 12 followers. - I hope someday you're famous enough to have someone fake or ghostwrite a Twitter account in your name.

And not because you did something horrific or stupid. - I'd be much more inclined to sleep with you if you were a Trending Topic on Twitter

Good news for Justin Bieber's dead hamster! - Your lack of tweets today makes me wonder if you're dead

Or worse, working. - Happy birthday to someone whose age has surpassed their number of Twitter followers.

You mean getting older doesn't mean getting more interesting? - I wish my Twitter followers would send me photos of their genitals instead of critiques of my tweets

We accept both, but then again we crave attention. - Invite your entire Twitter following out with us tonight and I'll make sure we get a slightly larger booth

And split an appetizer. - At least when you die you won't have to read people's tweets about your death

"#RIPKurtCobain #Legend #Nirvana #BlackHoleSun #2soon2die" - Just checking if you still want me to pay attention to the inane details of your life while Twitter is down.

Great way to passive aggressively prevent an avalanche of Facebook updates.