My new hope in life is that when I get married, someone gives a toast like this one (including the part about turning into a cow).
Heading into the summer wedding season, we're all about to be bombarded with toasts. And a lot of those toasts will be bad. They'll include inside jokes that almost no one gets, awkward delivery, and stories that the toaster thinks are funny, but you totally had to be there for. Or if it's a really desperate case, the toast might just be poorly strung-together collection of quotes pulled from Internet lists, like this:
As Martin Luther King once said, "Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it." Mr. King was involved in politics, and that reminds me of another great man, Groucho Marx, who said, "Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does." And boy, are we certainly here to celebrate a marriage today! The Oxford English Dictionary defines a marriage as "The legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman (or, in some jurisdictions, two people of the same sex) as partners in a relationship."
...and so on.
Bored Shorts TV (you might remember their video of kids lip syncing to audio of senior citizens arguing about washing the dishes) has managed to avoid all of this by just having kids imagine they're doing a wedding toast, and then having adults perform it. I promise you, it's better than all of the toasts you'll see this summer.