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    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

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    Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically.

    Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically

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    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.

    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health

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    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

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    Happy Mother's Day, even though I pretty much raised myself.

    Happy Mother's Day, even though I pretty much raised myself.

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    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me.

    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me

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    I'd have made you breakfast in bed if you'd taught me how to cook.

    I'd have made you breakfast in bed if you'd taught me how to cook

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    I love you slightly more than I love dad.

    I love you slightly more than I love dad

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    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants.

    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants

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    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused

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    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill.

    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill

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    Happy Mother's Day to everyone who didn't have easy access to Plan B as a teenager.

    Happy Mother's Day to everyone who didn't have easy access to Plan B as a teenager.

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    I don't need a holiday devoted to moms to spend the weekend in a spiral of guilt and shame.

    I don't need a holiday devoted to moms to spend the weekend in a spiral of guilt and shame.

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    Mom Coupon: Good for one non-condescending tutorial on how to put songs on your iPod.

    Mom Coupon: Good for one non-condescending tutorial on how to put songs on your iPod.

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    I hope you put more planning into my Mother's Day celebration than I did into getting pregnant with you.

    I hope you put more planning into my Mother's Day celebration than I did into getting pregnant with you.

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone whose maternity clothes were much less embarrassing than Kim Kardashian's are.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone whose maternity clothes were much less embarrassing than Kim Kardashian's are.

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    My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City.

    My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City

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    Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

    Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

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    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

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