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I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

For enduring the bloodcurdling torture of my adolescent years I promise to always keep your electronics functional

Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano

May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement

Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom

Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

Mother's Day never feels like a chore because I know someday you'll be dead

Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama

Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down

Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children

You remind me of my real mom

Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled

Thanks for not getting divorced

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