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    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden.

    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

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    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

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    Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically.

    Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically

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    Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me.

    Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me

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    I haven't felt this close to you since I was sucking your tits.

    I haven't felt this close to you since I was sucking your tits

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    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV

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    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity.

    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

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    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

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    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency

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    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants.

    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants

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    Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom.

    Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom

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    Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any.

    Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any

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    Mom, thanks for never sleeping with any of my friends who thought you were hot.

    Mom, thanks for never sleeping with any of my friends who thought you were hot

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    Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled.

    Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled

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    Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster.

    Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster

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    Thanks for helping me learn from your mistakes with men.

    Thanks for helping me learn from your mistakes with men

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    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me.

    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me

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    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano.

    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano

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    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.

    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health

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    Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day.

    Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day

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