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    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

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    For enduring the bloodcurdling torture of my adolescent years I promise to always keep your electronics functional.

    For enduring the bloodcurdling torture of my adolescent years I promise to always keep your electronics functional

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    Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

    Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

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    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

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    I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

    I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

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    Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

    Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

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    Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

    Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

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    I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

    I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

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    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano.

    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano

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    May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement.

    May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement

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    Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom.

    Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom

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    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity.

    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

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    Mother's Day never feels like a chore because I know someday you'll be dead.

    Mother's Day never feels like a chore because I know someday you'll be dead

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    Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama.

    Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama

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    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden.

    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

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    Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down.

    Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down

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    Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children.

    Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children

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    You remind me of my real mom.

    You remind me of my real mom

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    Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled.

    Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled

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    Thanks for not getting divorced.

    Thanks for not getting divorced

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