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    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone who carried me for 9 months physically and for 29 years financially.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone who carried me for 9 months physically and for 29 years financially.

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    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

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    Happy Mother's Day, even though I pretty much raised myself.

    Happy Mother's Day, even though I pretty much raised myself.

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    Mom Coupon: Good for one feigned enthusiastic response to hearing about the engagement of a kid I went to middle school with.

    Mom Coupon: Good for one feigned enthusiastic response to hearing about the engagement of a kid I went to middle school with.

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    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill.

    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill

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    Let's get back to passive-aggressively ignoring our mothers for the next 364 days.

    Let's get back to passive-aggressively ignoring our mothers for the next 364 days.

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    I love you slightly more than I love dad.

    I love you slightly more than I love dad

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone who doesn't care if I marry a man or a woman as long as I give you grandkids before you're dead.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone who doesn't care if I marry a man or a woman as long as I give you grandkids before you're dead.

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    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused

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    Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any.

    Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any

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    Happy Mother's Day to everyone who didn't have easy access to Plan B as a teenager.

    Happy Mother's Day to everyone who didn't have easy access to Plan B as a teenager.

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    Thanks for marrying a rich guy.

    Thanks for marrying a rich guy

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    Mom Coupon: Good for one non-condescending tutorial on how to put songs on your iPod.

    Mom Coupon: Good for one non-condescending tutorial on how to put songs on your iPod.

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone I hope is my last stepmother.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone I hope is my last stepmother.

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone whose maternity clothes were much less embarrassing than Kim Kardashian's are.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone whose maternity clothes were much less embarrassing than Kim Kardashian's are.

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    Thanks for helping me learn from your mistakes with men.

    Thanks for helping me learn from your mistakes with men

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    Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

    Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

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    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.

    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health

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    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

    Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

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