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    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano.

    Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano

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    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

    Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused

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    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV

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    I love you slightly more than I love dad.

    I love you slightly more than I love dad

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    You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional.

    You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional

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    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill.

    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill

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    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me.

    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me

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    Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.

    Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.

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    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants.

    I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants

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    My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

    My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

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    Thanks for marrying a rich guy.

    Thanks for marrying a rich guy

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