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Mom, thanks for not sending me to high school with Mitt Romney.

Happy Mother's Day to someone who doesn't care if I marry a man or a woman as long as I give you grandkids before you're dead.

Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails.

My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

Let's spend Mother's Day profusely thanking the women who kept our breastfeeding off national magazine covers.

May your mom not be too busy pleasuring herself to Fifty Shades of Grey to celebrate Mother's Day with you.

Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional

Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency

Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me

My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City

I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama

Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

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