Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama
Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity
Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically
Thanks for putting your dreams on hold so I could fail miserably at piano
Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any
Let's celebrate my spermatozoa being able to penetrate your fallopian tubes and fertilize an egg
Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom
I'd have made you breakfast in bed if you'd taught me how to cook
Dad was incredibly lucky to have you before the marriage crumbled
Mother's Day never feels like a chore because I know someday you'll be dead
I credit who I am today to you filling me with self-esteem and prescription stimulants
I hope a mediocre Mother's Day brunch can help negate 364 days of smug ingratitude
Thanks for letting me take credit for how well you've raised our kids
I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child
Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health
Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically
Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama
I hope a mediocre Mother's Day brunch can help negate 364 days of smug ingratitude
