•  

    Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

    Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

  •  

    You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional.

    You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional

  •  

    Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day.

    Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day

  •  

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV

  •  

    Mom, thanks for never making me feel like Navy SEAL Teams 1 through 5.

    Mom, thanks for never making me feel like Navy SEAL Teams 1 through 5

  •  

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency.

    Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency

  •  

    This Mother's Day I'm giving you twenty uninterrupted minutes to explain why you think Bin Laden's death was faked.

    This Mother's Day I'm giving you twenty uninterrupted minutes to explain why you think Bin Laden's death was faked

  •  

    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden.

    Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

  •  

    I haven't felt this close to you since I was sucking your tits.

    I haven't felt this close to you since I was sucking your tits

  •  

    I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

    I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

  •  

    Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me.

    Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me

  •  

    My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City.

    My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City

  •  

    I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

    I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

  •  

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

  •  

    Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

    Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

  •  

    Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama.

    Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama

  •  

    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity.

    Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

  •  

    May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement.

    May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement

  •  

    Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children.

    Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children

  •  

    Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

    Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

DON'T MISS THIS