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Mother's Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.

You're like a mother to me which probably means our relationship is dysfunctional

Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who didn't intentionally get knocked up to be on MTV

Mom, thanks for never making me feel like Navy SEAL Teams 1 through 5

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency

This Mother's Day I'm giving you twenty uninterrupted minutes to explain why you think Bin Laden's death was faked

Anytime you worry if you were a good mom, remember that at least I didn't turn out like Bin Laden

I haven't felt this close to you since I was sucking your tits

I'm sorry that your cats don't understand what Mother's Day is.

Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me

My Mother's Day gift is to remind you I may eventually move somewhere less terrifying than New York City

I just cannot believe I used to live up your snatch.

Happy Mother's Day to all my bitches.

Sorry I make you question your mothering skills on a daily basis.

Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama

Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity

May your Mother's Day celebration temporarily distract you from the horrid economic reality of delayed retirement

Let's set aside time this Mother's Day to mock the disintegrating sex lives of our friends with children

Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who still somehow has a better body than me.

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