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    Sorry your version of a red carpet is a tattered, Merlot-stained throw rug.

    Sorry your version of a red carpet is a tattered, Merlot-stained throw rug.

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    Nothing says holiday season like a force-feeding of morbid, gut-wrenching melodramas fast-tracked for Oscar consideration.

    Nothing says holiday season like a force-feeding of morbid, gut-wrenching melodramas fast-tracked for Oscar consideration

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    Watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a semi-datable human.

    Watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a semi-datable human

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    Don't forget that liking the Facebook movie on Facebook might get you kicked off Facebook.

    Don't forget that liking the Facebook movie on Facebook might get you kicked off Facebook

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    I could see you someday seated among all the Oscar nominees as one of their seat warmers.

    I could see you someday seated among all the Oscar nominees as one of their seat warmers

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    Let's watch Julia Roberts portray a woman who finds .005% of the happiness of Julia Roberts.

    Let's watch Julia Roberts portray a woman who finds .005% of the happiness of Julia Roberts

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    I'm torn between Burger King's desire for me to see Indiana Jones and Burger King's desire for me to see Iron Man.

    I'm torn between Burger King's desire for me to see Indiana Jones and Burger King's desire for me to see Iron Man

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    I'd love to hear your opinion on the Oscars if they gave awards for three-minute porn clips shown on your office computer.

    I'd love to hear your opinion on the Oscars if they gave awards for three-minute porn clips shown on your office computer

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    I'm glad we at least know the cartoonish Indiana Jones villains are still adherents of a horrifyingly murderous historical regime.

    I'm glad we at least know the cartoonish Indiana Jones villains are still adherents of a horrifyingly murderous historical regime

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    Iron Man showed me all it takes to be a superhero is brains, billions of dollars, and galling misogyny.

    Iron Man showed me all it takes to be a superhero is brains, billions of dollars, and galling misogyny

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    I want to pass down to my children the tradition of giving all my money to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

    I want to pass down to my children the tradition of giving all my money to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg

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    Where the Wild Things Are may be the only chance in my lifetime to see a movie based on a book I've actually read.

    Where the Wild Things Are may be the only chance in my lifetime to see a movie based on a book I've actually read

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    I wish Hollywood hadn't violated my trust in 1989 by claiming it was the Last Crusade.

    I wish Hollywood hadn't violated my trust in 1989 by claiming it was the Last Crusade

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    I can't wait to put this year's Best Picture winner into the 27th slot of my Netflix queue.

    I can't wait to put this year's Best Picture winner into the 27th slot of my Netflix queue.

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    You remind me of Robert De Niro in that every 15 years you decide to take your job seriously.

    You remind me of Robert De Niro in that every 15 years you decide to take your job seriously.

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    I'm still not seeing I'm Still Here.

    I'm still not seeing I'm Still Here

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    I refuse to see Indiana Jones because it will spoil all the intriguing plot secrets.

    I refuse to see Indiana Jones because it will spoil all the intriguing plot secrets

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    Thanks in advance for not attempting to explain how Avatar was made while we're watching Avatar.

    Thanks in advance for not attempting to explain how Avatar was made while we're watching Avatar

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    Good luck convincing people you're seeing Drive for the cool chase scenes rather than your overwhelming man-crush on Ryan Gosling.

    Good luck convincing people you're seeing Drive for the cool chase scenes rather than your overwhelming man-crush on Ryan Gosling

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    I'll take you to Sex and the City in exchange for a handjob during a Michael Bay film.

    I'll take you to Sex and the City in exchange for a handjob during a Michael Bay film

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