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    I could see you someday seated among all the Oscar nominees as one of their seat warmers.

    I could see you someday seated among all the Oscar nominees as one of their seat warmers

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    I'm glad Leonardo DiCaprio can't enter my dreams because he'd have to watch me raping him.

    I'm glad Leonardo DiCaprio can't enter my dreams because he'd have to watch me raping him

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    Promise me no matter how depressing our love lives get, we'll never give up watching romantic comedies that make us feel even worse.

    Promise me no matter how depressing our love lives get, we'll never give up watching romantic comedies that make us feel even worse

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    Sometimes you remind me of Lord Voldemort in that you're the whitest person I know.

    Sometimes you remind me of Lord Voldemort in that you're the whitest person I know

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    I don't see what's so gay about wanting to see a song-and-dance man play a brooding superhero prone to wearing tank tops.

    I don't see what's so gay about wanting to see a song-and-dance man play a brooding superhero prone to wearing tank tops

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    There Will Be Blood is an unforgettable masterpiece I pray to god I never have to sit through again.

    There Will Be Blood is an unforgettable masterpiece I pray to god I never have to sit through again

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    I may have to cancel on your Oscar party if Chuck Lorre accepts Charlie Sheen's challenge to a cage match.

    I may have to cancel on your Oscar party if Chuck Lorre accepts Charlie Sheen's challenge to a cage match

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    Black Swan may be the most critically acclaimed movie I masturbate to all year.

    Black Swan may be the most critically acclaimed movie I masturbate to all year

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    Tom Cruise is one of the few actors who conceivably makes it hard to root for someone who tried to assassinate Hitler.

    Tom Cruise is one of the few actors who conceivably makes it hard to root for someone who tried to assassinate Hitler

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    I'm torn between Burger King's desire for me to see Indiana Jones and Burger King's desire for me to see Iron Man.

    I'm torn between Burger King's desire for me to see Indiana Jones and Burger King's desire for me to see Iron Man

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    Seeing Night at the Museum 2 may inspire us to go to a museum since we may never want to go to a movie again.

    Seeing Night at the Museum 2 may inspire us to go to a museum since we may never want to go to a movie again

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    I want to pass down to my children the tradition of giving all my money to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

    I want to pass down to my children the tradition of giving all my money to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg

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    I credit Judd Apatow for making all the hairy, flabby guys on JDate now seem kind of hot.

    I credit Judd Apatow for making all the hairy, flabby guys on JDate now seem kind of hot

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    I refuse to see Indiana Jones because it will spoil all the intriguing plot secrets.

    I refuse to see Indiana Jones because it will spoil all the intriguing plot secrets

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    I wish I'd been sent to boarding school to learn wizardry rather than to learn my parents didn't love me.

    I wish I'd been sent to boarding school to learn wizardry rather than to learn my parents didn't love me

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    Good luck convincing people you're seeing Drive for the cool chase scenes rather than your overwhelming man-crush on Ryan Gosling.

    Good luck convincing people you're seeing Drive for the cool chase scenes rather than your overwhelming man-crush on Ryan Gosling

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    Enjoy the last reason you and the other Harry Potter fans will have to stay out past midnight.

    Enjoy the last reason you and the other Harry Potter fans will have to stay out past midnight

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    I'll take you to Sex and the City in exchange for a handjob during a Michael Bay film.

    I'll take you to Sex and the City in exchange for a handjob during a Michael Bay film

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    I remember when manly action stars didn't look like elderly women.

    I remember when manly action stars didn't look like elderly women

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    I don't know if even hot lesbian scissoring can get me to sit through a movie about ballet.

    I don't know if even hot lesbian scissoring can get me to sit through a movie about ballet

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