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    I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

    I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

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    Your annual booze-fueled New Year's Eve spectacle will surely inspire us all to drink less in 2014.

    Your annual booze-fueled New Year's Eve spectacle will surely inspire us all to drink less in 2014.

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    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion.

    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion

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    Let's pencil each other in for a New Year's Eve kiss, with the understanding we'll drop each other if someone better comes along.

    Let's pencil each other in for a New Year's Eve kiss, with the understanding we'll drop each other if someone better comes along

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    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve.

    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve

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    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve.

    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve

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    My resolution is for you to lose weight.

    My resolution is for you to lose weight

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    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution.

    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution

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    Happy New Year from someone comfortable expressing their love and appreciation for you in ecard format.

    Happy New Year from someone comfortable expressing their love and appreciation for you in ecard format

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    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf.

    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf

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    Seeing the irresponsibly dangerous stunts in the Spider-Man musical has prepared me for your New Year's behavior.

    Seeing the irresponsibly dangerous stunts in the Spider-Man musical has prepared me for your New Year's behavior

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    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.

    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn

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    I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2014, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP.

    I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2014, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP.

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    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy.

    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy

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    My resolution is to spend less time working which means you'll have to work more.

    My resolution is to spend less time working which means you'll have to work more

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    Here's to drinking enough that we'll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.

    Here's to drinking enough that we'll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.

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    Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions.

    Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions

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    Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.

    Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.

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    Join us in closing out the latest worst year ever.

    Join us in closing out the latest worst year ever

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    Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that will be showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.

    Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that will be showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.

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