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    My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.

    My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs

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    My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.

    My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.

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    Here's to the only workweek of the year I don't stick out for not doing any work.

    Here's to the only workweek of the year I don't stick out for not doing any work

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    Let's pencil each other in for a New Year's Eve kiss, with the understanding we'll drop each other if someone better comes along.

    Let's pencil each other in for a New Year's Eve kiss, with the understanding we'll drop each other if someone better comes along

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    I refuse to reminisce about the past year unless it's in a 'best of' format.

    I refuse to reminisce about the past year unless it's in a "best of" format

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    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion.

    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion

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    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve.

    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve

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    Happy New Year from someone comfortable expressing their love and appreciation for you in ecard format.

    Happy New Year from someone comfortable expressing their love and appreciation for you in ecard format

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    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve.

    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve

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    Your annual booze-fueled New Year's Eve spectacle will surely inspire us all to drink less in 2012.

    Your annual booze-fueled New Year's Eve spectacle will surely inspire us all to drink less in 2012

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    Not seeing New Year's Eve will be the easiest New Year's resolution I've ever made.

    Not seeing New Year's Eve will be the easiest New Year's resolution I've ever made

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    May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.

    May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did

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    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution.

    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution

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    My resolution is to decipher the hidden meaning in your resolution.

    My resolution is to decipher the hidden meaning in your resolution

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    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf.

    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf

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    Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions.

    Thanks for not laughing at my absurdly unattainable New Year's resolutions

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    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.

    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn

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    Join us in closing out the latest worst year ever.

    Join us in closing out the latest worst year ever

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    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy.

    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy

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    Let's never speak of 2011 again.

    Let's never speak of 2011 again

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