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    My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.

    My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs

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    Let's put significant pressure on ourselves to have a fun New Year's Eve.

    Let's put significant pressure on ourselves to have a fun New Year's Eve

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    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion.

    I can't decide between morbid isolation and social repulsion

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    Avoid noisy, expensive, overhyped New Year's Eve parties by hanging out at our place wondering what you're missing at those parties.

    Avoid noisy, expensive, overhyped New Year's Eve parties by hanging out at our place wondering what you're missing at those parties

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    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve.

    Let me know where you think you'll end up New Year's Eve

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    Here's to the only workweek of the year I don't stick out for not doing any work.

    Here's to the only workweek of the year I don't stick out for not doing any work

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    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve.

    Sorry the movie New Year's Eve will still be more enjoyable than your actual New Year's Eve

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    Lets attend an opulent New Year's Eve party so we can briefly ignore the horror of our impending poverty.

    Lets attend an opulent New Year's Eve party so we can briefly ignore the horror of our impending poverty

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    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution.

    Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution

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    May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.

    May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did

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    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf.

    Let's decide which champagne we're going to barf

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    It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.

    It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.

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    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.

    I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn

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    My resolution is to decipher the hidden meaning in your resolution.

    My resolution is to decipher the hidden meaning in your resolution

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    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy.

    Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy

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    Sorry you're finally mature enough to just want a quiet evening with friends on New Year's Eve.

    Sorry you're finally mature enough to just want a quiet evening with friends on New Year's Eve

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    Here's to drinking enough that we'll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.

    Here's to drinking enough that we'll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.

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    My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

    My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family

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    Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.

    Here's to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.

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    Let's not spend New Year's Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve.

    Let's not spend New Year's Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve

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