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  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.

    Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.

  • Chili's Happy.. Chili's Happy..

    I'm pretty sure it's office policy that summer Happy Hours start at lunch.

    I'm pretty sure it's office policy that summer Happy Hours start at lunch.

  • Chili's Happy.. Chili's Happy..

    Nothing goes with a hot tan like a cold Margarita.

    Nothing goes with a hot tan like a cold Margarita.

  • Memorial Day Memorial Day

    This Memorial Day, let's remember all the fallen Facebook stock.

    This Memorial Day, let's remember all the fallen Facebook stock.

  • Sports Sports

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.

    There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.

  • Weekend Weekend

    Just a heads up that you're running out of time to invite me to your summer house this weekend.

    Just a heads up that you're running out of time to invite me to your summer house this weekend.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.

    My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.

  • Moonrise Kingdom Moonrise Kingdom

    The only way I'd ever consider sleeping outdoors is if I locked myself out of my apartment.

    The only way I'd ever consider sleeping outdoors is if I locked myself out of my apartment.

  • Moonrise Kingdom Moonrise Kingdom

    I wish you could have met me when I was an innocent and adventurous teen instead of a cynical and lazy adult.

    I wish you could have met me when I was an innocent and adventurous teen instead of a cynical and lazy adult.

  • Moonrise Kingdom Moonrise Kingdom

    Running away from home was easier when I didn't have a mortgage payment.

    Running away from home was easier when I didn't have a mortgage payment.

  • Moonrise Kingdom Moonrise Kingdom

    Let's stay on lunch break until our boss sends out a search party.

    Let's stay on lunch break until our boss sends out a search party.

  • Sports Sports

    I hate LeBron James even more than LeBron James loves LeBron James.

    I hate LeBron James even more than LeBron James loves LeBron James.

  • Encouragement Encouragement

    My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.

    My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.

    No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.

  • Workplace Workplace

    I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summertime.

    I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summertime.

  • Sports Sports

    There's nothing like listening to your fat ass criticize professional athletes for not hustling.

    There's nothing like listening to your fat ass criticize professional athletes for not hustling.

  • Memorial Day Memorial Day

    My Memorial Day weekend will be a vacation from listening to your plans for Memorial Day weekend.

    My Memorial Day weekend will be a vacation from listening to your plans for Memorial Day weekend.

  • Flirting Flirting

    I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.

    I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.

  • Workplace Workplace

    Thanks for spreading your complaints throughout the workweek instead of voicing them all on Monday.

    Thanks for spreading your complaints throughout the workweek instead of voicing them all on Monday.

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