• Birthday Birthday

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

  • Super Bowl.. Super Bowl..

    Congratulations to M.I.A. on being the last person under 50 ever allowed to perform at the Super Bowl again.

    Congratulations to M.I.A. on being the last person under 50 ever allowed to perform at the Super Bowl again.

  • Sports Sports

    Sorry the 2011 Patriots couldn't erase the memory of the 2011 Red Sox.

    Sorry the 2011 Patriots couldn't erase the memory of the 2011 Red Sox.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations to the Patriots on not having had a perfect season to blow.

    Congratulations to the Patriots on not having had a perfect season to blow.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

  • Apology Apology

    I'm confident that my gluttonous Super Bowl feast will put an end to your ridiculous New Year's Resolution to lose weight.

    I'm confident that my gluttonous Super Bowl feast will put an end to your ridiculous New Year's Resolution to lose weight.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

  • Super Bowl.. Super Bowl..

    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl.

    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl.

  • Workplace Workplace

    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Remember not to let your Web site crash the day after it's valued at $100 billion.

    Remember not to let your Web site crash the day after it's valued at $100 billion.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    At least Donald Trump didn't endorse Donald Trump.

    At least Donald Trump didn't endorse Donald Trump.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The Facebook IPO announcement proves that every one of my worthless status updates was actually valuable.

    The Facebook IPO announcement proves that every one of my worthless status updates was actually valuable.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

    Thank you for cutting off funding to cancer screening programs in order to prove that you are pro-life.

  • Groundhog Day Groundhog Day

    Reading your tweets about Groundhog Day makes me feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day.

    Reading your tweets about Groundhog Day makes me feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    In a zombie apocalypse I'd eat you last.

    In a zombie apocalypse I'd eat you last.

  • Black History.. Black History..

    Let's kick off Black History Month by finally establishing which white guy will probably lose to Obama.

    Let's kick off Black History Month by finally establishing which white guy will probably lose to Obama.

  • Apology Apology

    Sorry for participating in an extremely oversaturated Internet meme.

    Sorry for participating in an extremely oversaturated Internet meme.

  • Seasonal Seasonal

    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.

    May your fashionable winter boots continue protecting you from 45-degree weather.

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