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  • Easter Easter

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

  • Easter Easter

    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

  • Easter Easter

    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

  • Easter Easter

    This 4/20, let's smoke enough pot to find the story of Easter believable.

    This 4/20, let's smoke enough pot to find the story of Easter believable.

  • Birthday Birthday

    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30.

  • Easter Easter

    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline.

    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline.

  • Cry For Help Cry For Help

    An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire Chipotle burrito.

    An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire Chipotle burrito.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

  • Easter Easter

    The only story of bloodshed and betrayal I care about this weekend is Game of Thrones.

    The only story of bloodshed and betrayal I care about this weekend is Game of Thrones.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

    Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

  • Easter Easter

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

  • Easter Easter

    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday.

    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

  • Flirting Flirting

    Our genitalia should get back in touch.

    Our genitalia should get back in touch.

  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

  • Easter Easter

    May Jesus forgive me for what I do to my parents' bathroom after eating 17 slices of ham.

    May Jesus forgive me for what I do to my parents' bathroom after eating 17 slices of ham.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

  • Easter Easter

    I'd be more impressed with Jesus's resurrection if I'd never seen Weekend At Bernie's.

    I'd be more impressed with Jesus's resurrection if I'd never seen Weekend At Bernie's.

  • Easter Easter

    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

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