• Flirting Flirting

    I love you as much as my dog loves the smell of urine-soaked trees.

    I love you as much as my dog loves the smell of urine-soaked trees.

  • Liquid Gold Liquid Gold

    If you knew how much I liked you, you would feel uncomfortable about it.

    If you knew how much I liked you, you would feel uncomfortable about it.

  • Liquid Gold Liquid Gold

    Losing you would be devastating, like biting into the frozen center of a microwaved burrito.

    Losing you would be devastating, like biting into the frozen center of a microwaved burrito.

  • Liquid Gold Liquid Gold

    I'd forge you the finest cookware if I thought you'd put it to use.

    I'd forge you the finest cookware if I thought you'd put it to use.

  • Liquid Gold Liquid Gold

    I'd like to cook you a meal that I think is better than almost any takeout within your apartment's delivery radius.

    I'd like to cook you a meal that I think is better than almost any takeout within your apartment's delivery radius.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    May Gisele's Super Bowl comments make you less upset you're not dating a supermodel this Valentine's Day.

    May Gisele's Super Bowl comments make you less upset you're not dating a supermodel this Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day.

    Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

  • Five Year.. Five Year..

    A long engagement is a great way to delay the eventual drudgery of our actual marriage.

    A long engagement is a great way to delay the eventual drudgery of our actual marriage.

  • Five Year.. Five Year..

    A marriage proposal would be a great way to get me to stop obsessing about Valentine's Day.

    A marriage proposal would be a great way to get me to stop obsessing about Valentine's Day.

  • Birthday Birthday

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

  • Super Bowl.. Super Bowl..

    Congratulations to M.I.A. on being the last person under 50 ever allowed to perform at the Super Bowl again.

    Congratulations to M.I.A. on being the last person under 50 ever allowed to perform at the Super Bowl again.

  • Sports Sports

    Sorry the 2011 Patriots couldn't erase the memory of the 2011 Red Sox.

    Sorry the 2011 Patriots couldn't erase the memory of the 2011 Red Sox.

  • Sports Sports

    Congratulations to the Patriots on not having had a perfect season to blow.

    Congratulations to the Patriots on not having had a perfect season to blow.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

    I'd have to be brain-dead not to want you as my Valentine.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

    For me, you're the perfect combination of body and brains.

  • The Walking Dead The Walking Dead

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

    Let's stay in and devour each other this Valentine's Day.

  • Apology Apology

    I'm confident that my gluttonous Super Bowl feast will put an end to your ridiculous New Year's Resolution to lose weight.

    I'm confident that my gluttonous Super Bowl feast will put an end to your ridiculous New Year's Resolution to lose weight.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

    I support the right of all women's organizations to abort their terrible decisions.

  • Super Bowl.. Super Bowl..

    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl.

    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl.

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