1. Pope Francis changes the priest's uniform to jeans and a blazer, and gives a mass where he hops up on a desk and gets real with the congregation.
2. A light fixture falls in the White House, bumping Obama on the head and making him remember his 2008 campaign promises.
3. Scientists develop an early warning system to detect onslaughts of Beyonce's awesomeness before they get out of control, after her surprise midnight album took out millions of people who had planned to go to work on time the next day.
4. John Oliver quits his new show to fill in for every single news anchor. We're happy for his success, but we need him elsewhere.
5. The Duck King and Queen return to claim their throne from the Robertson usurpers, ushering in 100 years of peace between man and fowl, even the gay ones. Bestiality still not cool, though. Ducks think we're gross.
6. People start really connecting again without the Internet, forcing the NSA to plant microphones in board games.
7. The government closes Guantanamo and transfers the prisoners to places we've never heard of or have to ever think about again. Mmmmm, sweet ignorance.
8. Obama and Boehner get into a screaming match and then start furiously making out.
9. Miley Cyrus stops her reign of destruction and makes a video where she rebuilds that house she destroyed.
2013: In like a lamb, out like a wrecking ball.