The pen is mightier than the syringe.


That handwriting has declined almost as much as his batting. (via MLB)

Disgraced Yankee Alex Rodriguez, who was suspended for all of last season for using performance-enhancing drugs, released a handwritten note today apologizing for his misdeeds. The note is pretty convincing, because as everyone knows, it's physically impossible to be insincere in longhand.


Even Clinton had a better apology face. (Getty)

Back in 2013, A-Rod and 12 other players were suspended from the MLB after investigators discovered they had received treatments from a shady Florida clinic with the comically evil name Biogenesis. Rodriguez denied every allegation until he was identified as a customer by the clinic's owner, so fans have reason to distrust him on this.

Knowing sports fans though, whether they accept his apology rests entirely on his performance this season. Better get practicing, Alex! Here's the full letter:


(via MLB)

Here's the text in case you've forgotten how to read handwriting in the 21st Century:

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To the Fans,

I take full responsibility for the mistakes that led to my suspension for the 2014 season. I regret that my actions made the situation worse than it needed to be. To Major League Baseball, the Yankees, the Steinbrenner family, the Players Association and you, the fans, I can only say I'm sorry.

I accept the fact that many of you will not believe my apology or anything that I say at this point. I understand why and that's on me. It was gracious of the Yankees to offer me the use of Yankee Stadium for this apology, but I decided that next time I am in Yankee Stadium, I should be in pinstripes doing my job.

I served the longest suspension in the history of the league for PED use. The Commissioner has said the matter is over. The Players Association has said the same. The Yankees have said the next step is to play baseball.

I'm ready to put this chapter behind me and play some ball.

This game has been my single biggest passion since I was a teenager. When I go to Spring Training, I will do everything I can to be the best player and teammate possible, earn a spot on the Yankees and help us win.

Sincerely,
Alex