This year saw Tinder's popularity explode, turning online dating into something that's practically automated. Another thing that became automatic was the likelihood that if you behave like a d-bag (or a hero) on a dating app, you're probably going to end up being publicly shamed online. Here are the biggest dating triumphs and tragedies we voyeuristically enjoyed in 2014, as well as a few reminders that analog dating is still so much more tolerable.
1. Tragedy! This borderline psycho who broke up with a girl via text based on some pretty scary criteria.
My friend just sent me this break-up message she received after 7 weeks of dating. My fav reason for split is #3 pic.twitter.com/EdAFS5lLKy— Amy Nelmes (@amynelmes) November 13, 2014
2. Triumph! This 85 years "young" hiker who turned the trunk of a tree into his dating site.
3. Triumph! This woman who forwarded some dude's a-hole Tinder message to his mom.
His mother forgot to teach him the thing about making a non-horrific first impression.
4. Tragedy (But a triumph in the area of bringing strangers together for a common cause)! This hero who texted all 32 of his Tinder matches at once.
And 32 lifelong friendships were formed that day. This is what I want to believe.
5. Triumph! This little kid's love letter to the girl he wants to "eat cheeses with."
6. Tragedy! This guy's Infinite Jest-length "Don't message me if..." section on OK Cupid.
And it started off so promising with the "No Doors" policy. Here's hoping he is still getting "TL;DR" messages to this day.
7. Triumph! This woman who got back at online dating creeps by drawing cartoons of them with tiny penises and posting them to Instagram.
I guess that should read "tiny, amorphous, just barely human penises."
8. Tragedy! This finance douche who went full "Finance Douche" after getting rejected on Tinder.
The "superiority" is obvious in the way he apparently spent most of an afternoon scouring her profile to deliver point-by-point insults. Couch-trading futures stocks must provide a lot of downtime to completely lose your shit.
9. Tragedy! This Frenchman who was taken to court after texting his ex over 21,807 times in ten months.
Stock photo reenactment of the 18,141st text being received.
In case you're wondering, that got him ten months in prison and a $1300 fine. Temper your own ex obsessions accordingly.
10. Tragedy (but still kind of adorable)! This dude who tried to flirt with an Amazon customer service rep and failed miserably.
Sorry, that only comes with a Prime subscription.
11. Tragedy! This heartless, bleach-tipped brat of a kid who became the first human being to end a relationship via a hashtag on Instagram.
May you live a long, sad, empty existence that will one day end with you feeling utterly #aloneandafraid.
12. Tragedy! The "brake up" note this little kid received, letting him know at an early age that he's already emotionally unavailable and doomed to die alone.
Rachel's probably going to navigate the Tinder and OK Cupid world like a pro. Shawn, on the other hand, well, let's just hope he "gits" it together.
13. Tragedy! Or Triumph? Not sure. This guy's Tinder pic doesn't seem to indicate he's all that great personality-wise, but he's at least not beating around the bush.
Seriously, this is a good choice. Guys' faces just don't get all that attractive. Certainly not "6 figures at 29" attractive.
14. Triumph! As a palate cleanser, and a reminder that when done right, dating can lead to a lifetime of pretty wonderful romance, here's this newspaper "wedding announcement," which turned out to be a love letter from a husband to his wife on their 61st anniversary.
I look at newspaper pictures of new brides every Sunday. I'm searching. I want to see if there is now or ever will be another bride as lovely as you. Been doing that since June 27, 1953.
Actually, I already know the answer. There is not - and never will be to me - your equal in loveliness. On our wedding day you were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The delightful truth is that you still are.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart. You've made me and you keep me the happiest and most grateful husband any bride could ever know. I'd gladly welcome another 61 years of marriage with you. Beyond that I pray we will spend eternity together.
All my love, Bob
Show 'em how it's done, Bob. Show 'em how it's done.