Well, I was going to visit my elderly grandmother, but you got it!
Clearly, BuzzFeed has our best interests at heart. Otherwise, why would they constantly be showing us how to change the way we see the world in just 10 seconds? Or informing us about helpful lifehacks that will change our lives? Or helping us figure out what state we grew up in? (Oklahoma? Utah? I have no idea.)
But for the regular BuzzFeed reader, some of their headlines may start to get a little confusing after a while. It's hard to keep our priorities straight when they keep changing our priorities. How can Kristen Wiig be everything but this donkey's trumpet duet also be everything? These are the things that keep me awake at night.
Among other things, BuzzFeed is constantly telling us to "stop what we're doing" or "stop everything." It's gotten to the point now where I can barely get through a cup of coffee without slamming it down and turning my attention to an especially talented dog or a cat with a funny expression.
Sometimes I'll have stopped everything to look at some baby stoats and then in the sidebar I see a headline ordering me to stop what I'm doing and check out some trippy cats. What then??
Like most people on the Internet, I'm just looking for a way to change my life without having to get up from my chair. But BuzzFeed gives me so many ways to instantly change my life that I'm actually starting to want to not change it for a little while! Just when I'm getting used to the new life I got after listening to a Beyonce song, my life gets changed again by a new s'more recipe. Old me didn't even know there were multiple s'more recipes! I change completely so often these days that I barely recognize myself. My husband says he misses the "old, pre-54-unexpected-uses-for-binder-clips me."
Everything they post is so important that I never know what to put first anymore. Political photos, cats, rappers, rainbow loom bracelets—they're all the most important. Sometimes I feel like my head will burst with all of this important information. I finally understand why people become religious. So much less confusing than being a BuzzFeed reader.
There's too much to do! I can't keep up!
Okay first the political memoirs, then the traditional Indian food recipes—no, wait. Those cats sound too important. Cats first, then the bunny wearing bunny slippers? Is the bunny as important as the chicken fingers? And what if I die while looking at those and never have 10 outrageous adventures?!
I give up, BuzzFeed! I'll never be good enough! I just can't figure out your intricate hierarchy of importance. My priorities will forever be out of whack, like someone reading the print version of the New York Times who can't even tell which articles are "Most Shared."
But wait. Can it be...? Do these 15 inspiring pieces of life advice from Amy Poehler apply to my situation? I'll just quickly read them and report back.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
Sources: All screencaps via BuzzFeed Search