Everyone's still trying to get a grasp on the implications of this weekend's massive celebrity nude leak, in which the stolen nude photos and videos of seemingly countless female celebrities—including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Kirsten Dunst—were released on 4Chan and reddit and then quickly disseminated across the Internet. Here's how this expansive invasion of privacy has changed the world forever.
1. Conspiracy theorists are left unmoored by confirmation that so many celebrities possess human anatomy and are not, in fact, lizard people.
2. NSA launches rebranding campaign under the slogan, “We keep your nudes safe and securely fastened to a bulletin board in a Fort Meade break room that’s only accessible by top government brass.”
3. After spending the weekend masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, the Internet’s creepiest denizens find themselves with nothing left to look forward to in life and commit suicide en masse.
4. Julian Assange and Edward Snowden issue statement to redditors who previously expressed opposition to government privacy invasions: “Hey Guys, I Don’t Think We’re Fighting The Same Fight.”
5. Apple CEO Tim Cook resigns after being unable to avoid bursting out laughing while reassuring iCloud users that their data is secure.