by Dan Abromowitz

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After the hacking incursion that led to the leaks of personal nude photos from a slew of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst, you may be worrying about the security of your own nudes. And why shouldn't you? Here are six ways to ensure your naked pics don't see the light of day until you're good and ready:

Put them somewhere unassuming: Any hacker with access to 10% of their brain capacity and the kiss of common sense is going to make a beeline for a folder labeled "CRUDE NUDES," "RUDE NUDES," or "NUDES: NOT FOR PRUDES." You might as well be going around the neighborhood handing them out door to door (NOTE: DON'T DO THIS)! Instead, jam your bit-pics somewhere easily overlooked, in a folder like "DRY OLD CORNCOBS," "RIDDLES (ANSWERED)," or "FEW TO NO NUDES... ONLY A FOOL WOULD SEEK THEM HERE!!"

Watermark them with threats: Even if your nudes have been compromised, a leak isn't inevitable. Take a cue from the pharaohs of antiquity, who etched their priceless nudes with pernicious Nile curses promising a swift withering of the lineage of any who would dare disturb their erotic slumber, and stamp a credible threat on every nude you've got. It can be simple as "I'LL BASH YOUR PUTRID JUNK" or inflated as "MY DAD IS BOTH SEVEN FEET TALL AND THE FBI." Plus, when shared consensually, the proximity of danger to nudity only sharpens the sheer sexual thrill of it all, like snorting Tang off a katana. Banzai!

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