Tips to prevent hackers from leaking your nudes.
After the hacking incursion that led to the leaks of personal nude photos from a slew of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst, you may be worrying about the security of your own nudes. And why shouldn't you? Here are six ways to ensure your naked pics don't see the light of day until you're good and ready:
Put them somewhere unassuming: Any hacker with access to 10% of their brain capacity and the kiss of common sense is going to make a beeline for a folder labeled "CRUDE NUDES," "RUDE NUDES," or "NUDES: NOT FOR PRUDES." You might as well be going around the neighborhood handing them out door to door (NOTE: DON'T DO THIS)! Instead, jam your bit-pics somewhere easily overlooked, in a folder like "DRY OLD CORNCOBS," "RIDDLES (ANSWERED)," or "FEW TO NO NUDES... ONLY A FOOL WOULD SEEK THEM HERE!!"
Watermark them with threats: Even if your nudes have been compromised, a leak isn't inevitable. Take a cue from the pharaohs of antiquity, who etched their priceless nudes with pernicious Nile curses promising a swift withering of the lineage of any who would dare disturb their erotic slumber, and stamp a credible threat on every nude you've got. It can be simple as "I'LL BASH YOUR PUTRID JUNK" or inflated as "MY DAD IS BOTH SEVEN FEET TALL AND THE FBI." Plus, when shared consensually, the proximity of danger to nudity only sharpens the sheer sexual thrill of it all, like snorting Tang off a katana. Banzai!
Deleting them is not enough: It's a sad fact of our digital age that no data's ever really gone if you know how to get at it. As any data retrieval specialist will tell you, it's just not enough to delete your nudes: you have to shoot your computer with a very cool gun. Yes, it's a hassle, but the time it takes to grab a big loud revolver and unload a few slugs into your MacBook is nothing compared to the nightmare of online exposure. While experts disagree on the necessity of using gold bullets and saying something rad like "hey, fuck you, computer," there's no doubt that deleting your nudes and shooting your computer with a gun is the only way to be absolutely sure they're gone.
Throw them off the scent: Scenario A: You have twenty nude pictures on your hard drive, all of them of you. A hacker gets into your computer, and in a few clicks, everyone on the 'net is taking the measure of your birthday suit. That's no good.
Scenario B: You have ten thousand nude pictures on your hard drive, twenty of them of you, the rest downloaded from who knows where. A hacker gets into your computer. You think they're going to spend days sorting through gigabytes of rube junk? Fat chance! Meanwhile, you're sitting pretty on a mountain of nipples!
The choice - it's yours.
Bring down the Cloud: Skim the Anarchist's Cookbook, crank out your manifesto, and hop a bus to Cupertino. You'll be doing society a favor: After the pipe bombs go off, good luck pulling anyone's penis out of thin air! Plus, it's only a matter of time before the damn thing becomes sentient, anyway (the cloud, not your penis, though honestly, who knows; you've got a pretty clever pecker there, buck-o).
Be a snake: Snakes don't wear clothes, can't use technology, and are mostly concerned with finding warm rocks. If you're truly worried about the possibility of your devices getting hacked and your nudes being leaked, security experts confirm having always been a snake is THE most effective way to prevent it. Take it from me: I'm a snake!