Masturbating into your co-worker's coffee to get her attention: The do's and don'ts of modern workplace dating.
There's got to be a better way.
It's a tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy ejaculates into girl's coffee, boy loses girl. Love can be tough and confusing sometimes. You know you want to get a woman's attention, but you're not always sure how.
Take John R. Lind, for example. He's a Minnesota hardware store employee who, according to CBS Minnesota, was recently arrested because he repeatedly jerked off into his co-worker's coffee. He also sprayed her desk several times and once into her hair scrunchy. Lind claimed to police he did all this to get his coworker "to notice him."
Unfortunately for Lind, the object of his affections didn't see his romantic gestures as such, and had him arrested. Now he faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct, all because he hadn't learned the right way to impress a girl.
I'm sure many of you have scrunchy-wearing vixens in your life that you're desperate to get to know a little better, too, but don't make her a homemade gift out of your man-paste just yet! Here are some basic do's and don'ts in the dating world that can help.
Do: Hold eye contact while she is talking. Be a good listener, women like it when they feel like they are being heard.
Dont: Break eye contact to Jizz on your co-workers desk, forcing her to make figure eight patterns as she unwittingly runs her mouse through your DNA. Unless she shares your interest in ejaculating on desks, this approach is too aggressive and will also clog the mouse.
Do: Invite her out for coffee. A coffee shop is a safe and casual place for people to get to know each other without the pressure of noisy clubs or dinner dates.
Don't: Dump your spunk into her coffee cup when she is not around. When she finds out that that weird taste isn't just "spolied cream," as Lind's coworker claims she'd thought, she is going to get really upset, file harassment charges, and have you arrested because you are a disgusting sex criminal who deserves to go to jail.
Don't: Blow a load into her hair scrunchy
Do: Anything but that.
There you have it, guys! Who knew that attracting the opposite sex could be so simple and non-criminal? If you follow my handy do's and don'ts of the modern dating world, you, too, could avoid facing more than a year in prison and/or a $4,500 fine.
(by Myka Fox)