A Ford Escape, in its non-sh*tty form.
I'd like point out right off the bat that this post should not be viewed as a critique of the Ford Escape. I actually hear some good things about the Ford Escape. If you're in the market for an reliable and affordable compact SUV with a solid four-cylinder engine, you could probably do a lot worse than a Ford Escape.
However, if you're waaaay more interested in affordable than reliable—something that "runs like sh*t" when it's even running—then this Craigslist ad might be for you:
I would consider contacting this seller myself, but my wife and I already have one car for burning and driving into the river. And in the city, that's all you really need.