by Dan Abromowitz

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Do you realize how lucky we are to be alive when Furious 7 is coming out? When the early moviegoers saw The Great Train Robbery in 1903, they screamed and cowered because they thought the oncoming train would punch right through the screen and crash the banks (history would prove them right). If Furious 7 came out then, no Mortimer or Beatrice would be able to even make it through this trailer without screaming out their teeth and pissing out their whole circulatory system. Watching Paul Walker run up a bus off a cliff, their bodies would literally burst in a slurry of hot gut gravy and bone croutons. Nowadays, of course, that would never happen, because there's fluoride in the water.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to make fun of this trailer? It should be so easy! Like teasing the Naruto headband kid who eats the crust off his fleece sleeves! Only the son of a bitch just got up on stage at the talent show and banged out a single flawless standing backflip! You can't make fun of that! Now it doesn't even matter that he wears velcro Merrells or makes mouth sounds when he draws big swords on graph paper! The son of a bitch flipped himself!

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