by Dan Abromowitz


Smartphones are undoubtably a modern miracle, but they can be damn hard to put down, too. Here's how you can keep that iPhone in your pocket and take back your attention span.

1. Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, why not reach for the crisp citrus flavor of an ice cold Bud Light Lime?

2. To minimize on-the-go email use, change your mobile email signature to an embarrassing secret, like "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Peter Criss," or "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Ace Frehley."

3. Build up negative associations with phone use by changing your lock screen background to Myanmar's piss-poor per-capita GDP. Abysmal!

4. Wear mittens all the damn time, until everyone's calling you Edward Mittenhands, and eventually just Edward, and finally Ed or Eddie, and now you have a new name, so why not skip town and start fresh somewhere new, where what's past is past and the future, unwritten?

5. Stop making excuses! Whenever you think to yourself, "I'll just quickly check my email," scream out, "You fucking LIAR!" to show your brain you mean business.