by Dan Abromowitz


We all know her: she's chill, easygoing, "one of the guys." She'd rather play Call of Duty than watch The Notebook, knows more about sports than the boys do, and can drink anyone under the table. She fills the vital need for a bro that bros could actually admit to having sex with. She's the Guys' Girl, and if you've ever wanted to be as cool and accepted as her, here's how:

  • Eat the wings off a chicken.
  • Eat a live snake like corn on the cob.
  • Eat a whale from the inside out.
  • Compose a sensible but sharp ensemble of muted slate tones.
  • Conquer.
  • Train a falcon to die for you.
  • Train a wolf to do your taxes.
  • Take out a loan to buy up uncultivated land.
  • Speculate wildly in the tech sector.
  • Build extensive spreadsheets of complicated logistical calculations to determine when to do drugs with your buddies.
  • Integrate UFC moves into casual conversation.
  • Silently scoop up a handful of spiders.
  • Chew your birth control.
  • Admire the permanence of stone.
  • Establish an outpost.
  • Talk shit about a dry rub.