by Dan Abromowitz


A run-in with the law can be a harrowing ordeal, but with a cool head and a few simple tips, you can get off a lot easier than you otherwise might. Here's how:

1. If an officer fails to read you your Miranda Rights, you're allowed to call him "Miss Miranda Wrong" for the rest of the arrest. Use this to defuse tension.

2. Tailor your approach to the type of cop you're speaking to. Motorcycle cops are surly and love hard drinking, fast women, and the open road. Bike cops have tremendous core strength and can leap vast distances. Horse cops love unicorns. Traffic cops are sad.

3. Always be polite and submissive. Address officers as "Sir" or "Head Honcho" or "O Great And Terrible Police-Christ." Offer to wash their feet and give water to their camels. Curtsy often and low.

4. Under no circumstances should you pet a police dog. They are officers ensorcelled in the line of duty and they find it absolutely humiliating.

5. If you're stopped by an officer, always ask, "Are you detaining me?" Then ask, "Are you debossa me?" They're not the boss of you.