I hereby announce that I am "Good2Go," whatever that means.

Good2Go is an app that lets potential sexual partners digitally register their sexual consent. The website states the intention of the app as reducing "unwanted encounters and assaults," but really the only protection this app can actually provide is documentation for people falsely accused of rape. Kids these days and their complicated apps signing away their permission for you to have sex with them. #amirite


Ready to have consensual sex? Let's get started. Before I commence with the disrobing, let me sign in to Good2Go, type in my user name (I chose Jane Doe, in honor of all those before me that could not give their consent via phone app) and my real phone number. I am probably on a list of fornicators now. I probably already was. 

I'm in. And soon you will be too. Here's the first screen. No foreplay, just the straight up question, "are we Good2Go?" 

Fingers and legs crossed!

Partner, please make a selection, the app asks while you look on. 

What did my partner say???


My partner said yes! I can have sex now!!!

Well, no, actually. Now my partner has to choose his sobriety level. My partner is pretty fucking wasted, and if he picks "Pretty Wasted," the Good2Go app will tell him that he is not allowed to consent to sexual intercourse.

Fortunately, he's been drinking vodka and keeps screaming, "I'm not wasted! I always talk this close to people's faces!" and he has decided to go with the scientifically acceptable sobriety level of "Mildly Intoxicated (bro)."