Obviously, this man prefers to stay inside and play video games.
We all know how hard it is to pick a mate, and sometimes obsessively Googling a prospective boyfriend just doesn't reveal enough about a man besides his interests, his rough income level, what his family looks like, his political views, whether or not he makes racist/sexist jokes, or whether ex-girlfriends have called him bad in bed. A lot of people will tell you that you can learn the most about a man from his friends. Well, there's no better friend than his dog, and that's where all the secrets are!
1. Does he let the dog on the couch? His couch sucks.
2. Is it his mom's dog? If so, WATCH OUT, LADIES! His mom might be dead or incapacitated and he probably won't like talking about it much.
3. Does he enjoy taking the dog to parks and playing fetch? Warning sign right there, ladies: spending extra time in the sun could lead to skin cancer and a high probability of other ladies talking to him about his dog. Put an end to it!
4. Does he like big, full-bodied dogs or thin, petite pooches? Try not to get insecure, but this probably has a lot to do with how much he will be visually pleased with the new puppy you’re bringing home to surprise him with. If he starts yelling about how he can’t raise another dog, he’s gay.
5. Has he given the dog every medical treatment possible to keep it alive past 15? Take that basejumping class you always wanted. He’ll pick you up if you fall down.
6. What's his "petting" style? Does he give slow, even strokes across the back with the flat of his hand, does he flip the dog over spread-eagle and just start going to town on that tummy? If he's a more traditional petter, get him whiskey or a nice tie for his birthday. Tummy-rubbers like video games.
7. Does he often come home worried his dog will smell other dogs he’s been around? He's probably worried you'll find something out, too: that his friends are inviting him over not just to play with their dogs but to have an intervention about dating that crazy lady who asks weird dog questions.
8. Is the dog a rescue or from a breeder? We shouldn’t need to explain this one. Rescue owners like to be surprised, and assume the submissive position in light bondage play. Purebred owners need to know exactly what they’re getting, and will be panicked by so much as a stray thumb going south.
9. Does the dog have a "human" name or a "dog" name? If the dog has a “dog” name, your partner is probably not creative. If the dog has a human name like “George,” your man is under the horrible misconception that he is creative.
10. Neutered/spayed, or not? This is an important question to ask before your relationship reaches that crucial "Did you know The Island of Dr. Moreau is my favorite movie?" stage.