Go back to hell! (Via)

If you live in an American city, it's always the worst day of the holiday season. Worse than the day you crowd into an airport for your flight home with the rest of humanity. Worse than visiting your grandmother at her nursing home on Christmas morning and she doesn't remember who you are. Worse than the way you feel waking up on New Year's Day. 

You go out for what you assume will be a normal December Saturday of shopping and errands in the city. When suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you notice a flash of red. Then another. Then you hear the unmistakable sound of two men in their early twenties wordlessly howling. You look for a way out, a back alley escape, an open manhole to dive into, but it's too late. The red felt army is all around you. You're drowning in a sea of drunk dudes desperately trying to drag their frat life into adulthood, and drunk girls trying their best to look like the Christmas pageant number from Mean Girls. Santacon is upon you. Christmas is ruined forever.

But not this year!!! At least, not in New York.

Looks like we've all been good little boys and girls and we all believed enough to make the real Santa come through and give us the gift we want more than anything in the world. The gift of an official letter from NYPD's Midtown North Precinct, distributed to all the worst bars in New York City, urging them to not let hordes of drunken, screaming douchebags dressed up as Saint Nick into their establishments this year. Christmas miracles. They're real.

According to DNAInfo, NYC police are done with Santacon. "Having thousands of intoxicated partygoers roam the streets urinating, littering, vomiting and vandalizing will not be tolerated in our neighborhood," Lt. John Cocchi of the precinct's Special Operations division explained to bar owners in the letter. "It is my recommendation that you do not sponsor this event in any way."

YES! Time to go, fellas!


Granted, right now the police are merely discouraging Santacon, and it's only in one part of the city, so we're still a long way away before it's criminalized and first-year investment bankers across New York, and eventually, America, are prosecuted to the fullest extent for drinking a Harp while wearing red felt. That day will come. If we're vigilant, we can take Christmas back.

But more importantly, we can take drinking back. That's the real crime here. First there was Santacon, then around Easter came Bunnycon (if you want to never feel clean again, just take a quick glance at a bunch of drunk bros in bunny suits piling into an Irish bar in the middle of the day). Santa and the Easter Bunny belong to children. When you dress up as them to go get wasted in the middle of the day, you're infanitilizing drinking. It's super-creepy and ruins bars for everyone. We all decided to grow up and get old so we could finally be adults and drink like adults. Grow up and drink with us. If you want to act like a child, dressed in red pajamas or a fuzzy animal suit, stay out of the bar.

Nobody wants you there. No one wants to play dress up with you and pretend you're something out of a child's storybook. We don't go to bars for that. We go to bars because we're adults, adults who have some drinking to do.

(by Bob Powers)

Sources: DNAInfo