Thanks to Jonah Hill and Justin Bieber, it's "Celebrity Slur Week." Let's get angry.
1. Jonah Hill called a paparazzo a homophobic slur and practically started apologizing for it in the same breath.
On Tuesday morning, TMZ released a video revealing the ugly, repulsive, inexcusable behavior of a paparazzi photographer harassing Jonah Hill. In the video, after walking for several blocks with the horrible cameraman tailing him, Hill finally accosted the miserable troll by telling him, "Suck my dick, faggot."
Holster those hashtags! Faster than you can tie up a bundle of sticks, Jonah Hill started apologizing for the slur to whomever would let him. In the morning he apologized to Howard Stern, and by day's end he delivered an apology on The Tonight Show, which Gawker is already calling The Greatest Public Apology Of 2014, Ye Hath Appeased Us Fallen Celeb!
Okay, so he already apologized and he used the opportunity to say some important stuff about the effect of language and whatnot so...
SHOULD YOU GET OUTRAGED?
Apologies schmapologies. Heck yes you should get outraged!
His heartfelt apology might have made you throw your "More Like '22 Hate Street'!" tumblr draft into the trash bin, but there are so many other angles to take.
The best way to get your outrage noticed is to go against the grain. Everyone's praising Jonah Hill's apology, so go the other way with a Tumblr post titled, "Thanks for the apology, Jonah Hill...BUT NO THANKS!!!" Or a simple, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Breeze right past the Jonah Hill deal into a personal anecdote about the time you heard a straight friend tell a gay joke and how it changed everything forever. Thousand notes!
And if you're unintelligent, there's always the free speech angle. "Making Jonah Hill apologize is a violation of the first amendment" is 100% untrue and inaccurate, but who cares? Post it on Facebook and people with similarly poor comprehension of basic facts will smother you with Likes.
2. Justin Bieber apparently spent most of his teen years filming himself saying the N-word in various contexts.
This week a couple video clips were leaked which show known prostitute patron Justin Bieber being horrible in entirely new ways (there are still some left). The videos were recorded years ago when he was around 14 or 15. One captures him telling a racist joke, and the other (above) shows the adolescent nightmare singing a parody of his own song wherein the words "lonely girl" are replaced with "lonely nigger." Not exactly Weird Al, but good parody can be tough when the source material is already garbage.
Reportedly, TMZ had these videos for years and was using the threat of their release to blackmail Biebs into appearing on their show, because the only thing worse than being in a room with Harvey Levin is a massive publicity crisis and potential financial ruin. There are apparently more videos to come, so maybe get some friends together for a viewing party this weekend.
SHOULD YOU GET OUTRAGED?
You can try, but no one's really going to argue with you or crown you an enlightened thinker for coming out against little tiny millionaires singing the N-word in a fit of giggles. We're all pretty much on the same team on this one.
Besides, this just makes it even easier to have absolutely no sympathy for the pint-sized monster. This proves he wasn't ruined by fame. He has always, always been horrible. Hooray!
Best bet for this is to laugh at the boy. If you want to score some likes, try tweeting a quick "Justin Bieber is still the worst." Even the spambots that follow you will RT that one.
3. Barack Obama freed some Gitmo detainees, did some free-weights.
This one's a gimme. Obama freed some Taliban detainees from Gitmo in a prisoner trade for one of our own, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. That alone was enough to get people screaming "CAPITULATOR!" But a little digging found that Bergdahl might have been kinda sorta thinking about deserting. A report found he wandered away from his assigned areas in the past, though he always came back and there was no solid evidence of him intending to permanently desert.
Many criticize Obama for setting Taliban prisoners free—possibly sending the message that capturing our troops is a tactic that will yield results for the enemy—to bring back a soldier that was maybe planning to desert his unit. Obama is refusing to apologize for the deal.
Also, he worked out at a gym in a hotel. There was video and everything!
SHOULD YOU GET OUTRAGED?
Are you kidding? Just pick a side.
Obama's either a weak, terrorist-capitulating foreign policy failure (who killed Bin Laden but shhhhh!) and this deal compromises national security to bring home a likely deserter, or he's devoted to his troops and won't choose politics over bringing home one of our own. Either way, your tweets and status updates are going to light up like a Christmas tree. Go forth, your social networks await you.
If this doesn't float your boat, people actually figured out a way to get pissed at that workout video of Obama that was leaked the other day. Greta Van Susteran went all-caps to shout that "This is once again, our SECRET SERVICE FAILING US."
I know I felt failed. Did you feel failed? We all should have felt very failed. Post about it.
(by Bob Powers)