Marriage is tough, you guys. Luckily, there are articles like this one with all the dealbreakers you want to make sure you and your spouse-to-be agree on. With issues like “Toothpaste: Cap on or Cap off” and “Mayo or Miracle Whip,” they’re definitely off to a good start. But there are so many big issues that could make or break marriage that one list just doesn’t cover it. So here are 35 other things you and your sweetie better agree on before you say I do.
1. 9/11: Caused by Bush? The Lizard People? Or the Freemasons?
2. Drunk sex or coke sex?
3. Grumpy Cat or Lil’ Bub?
4. What did Bill Murray whisper to Scarlett Johansson? Show your work.
5. Is shoplifting okay if you’re bored?
6. Let’s talk child-rearing. If we have a daughter, pageant circuit at age 2? Or age 3?
7. If we have a son, how old before he’s taught hand-to-hand combat?
8. If one of us decides to commit suicide, do it at home and let the other person find the body and handle the clean-up? Or go to a motel to let a chambermaid deal with it?
9. What goes in the butt? Nothing, everything, or depends on if it’s New Years Eve or some other special occasion?
10. Breaking Bad or Cougar Town?
11. There’s been an apocalypse. We have one can of beans left to eat between us. How do we fight for it? Knives? Knives, right?
12. When you finish your breakfast, do you put your cigarette out by dropping it in your coffee, or stubbing it out in the leftover eggs?
13. Dahmer or Gacy?
14. We’re both unsure if we’re robots who’ve been programmed full of manufactured memories to make us believe we’re real humans, right?
15. Ralph or Potsy?
16. This American Life or Radiolab?
17. When the house gets too messy, do we move? Or burn it down then move?
18. The Fast and the Furious? 2 Fast 2 Furious? The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Fast & Furious? Fast 5? Or Fast & Furious 6?
19. You’re on the toilet and you just realized too late that you’re out of toilet paper. Do you use the bathtowels? Or just rub yourself up and down against the wall?
20. The new Delta safety video? Or the old one with the finger-wagging blonde woman as the lead?
21. Randy Sklar or Jason Sklar?
22. The Grand Canyon. Aliens?
23. If you had a time machine, would you go back to the 1920s and kill Hitler, or 2006 and tell yourself to stop watching Lost?
24. Charlie Sheen Two and a Half Men or Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men?
25. Vodka or Gin?
26. The Earth is only around 6,000 years old and God buried dinosaur bones in the ground just to test our faith, right?
27. Bathtub surgery or “let it run its course”?
28. If one of us finds out who killed JFK, do they tell the other? Or are some secrets healthy, in that they are how people in long-term relationships feel like they are retaining their individual identities?
29. Vegan or Freegan?
30. Answer a text with a phone call, or behave like someone who isn’t an uncivilized monster?
31. John Mayer or the sound of an orphan crying in hunger?
32. Sidekick or Nokia?
33. Do you call it a “hot tub full of Miller Genuine Draft” or a “jacuzzi full of Miller Genuine Draft?”
34. Looks like a pump or feels like a sneaker?
35. If one spouse is on life support and the other spouse pulls the plug, but the sick spouse just keeps holding on, does the non-sick spouse get a hall pass to see other people?
(by Bob Powers)